Learning Apart
DebraI know how to do alone.
I have spent the better part of the last decade alone. There have been men and dates and a quasi-serious relationship thrown in there, but overall, I have been alone. That was okay with me. I had not found anyone who really deserved a lot of effort on my part so when the relationships slipped away, I was never too upset about it. I had my work and my friends and my writing and I was happy to let people drift into my life when I wanted someone and drift back out again when I did not.
When I was alone all those years, I was very rarely lonely. I knew what was out there in the dating pool and knew I was not missing anything. I was perfectly content going out with my friends or relaxing with my books and letting everyone else dive in, trying to find someone worth bringing home. Then, last summer, that changed. I met an amazing man in a completely unexpected way. He is clever and intelligent and supportive and kind. He makes me laugh and makes me think, makes me a better writer and makes me a better person. He loves me. There are times when my eyes well up with tears when I think of how close we came to never meeting, and they well up again when I realize how lucky I am to have a person like this in my life. I love him.
Four years ago I wrote something about the life I wanted: "I am not living in the place I want to spend the rest of my life. I want to live on a mountain, in a cottage, next to a lake. With my dog and my cat. And a man who makes me crazy and sane, better and bad--in a good way." I was describing this man without even knowing he could exist.
The ironic and painful thing is I am lonely now. He and I are in a long distance relationship for now, so I still spend a lot of my time alone. Where I used to be content with that, enjoyed it even, now it just seems... well, very lonely. The time spent without him is achingly empty.
I know how to do alone.
Now I need to learn how to do apart.
Reader Comments (3)
((hugs)) I know it is hard. I have been there...not quite as long distance as you seem to be, but I've been there. It will be ok.
Where does he live? Not specifically, I mean, but is he in the States? Overseas?
Ohhhhh, you and I need to pull up our chairs and have some cyber coffee. You have no idea how acutely I feel your pain, and how it has grown into something awful inside of me. That post of mine, that you likened to yours? It was largely about this very thing. *hugs* I just adore you even more now.
I love this post. I hate that you are apart, but since you put it out there, I can't wait to see pictures of your house, on the hill, by the lake.