Acting as Though
I woke in January with this thought: I am brave in 2010.
I usually set a few goals for the year and choose a new touchstone word, but this year I knew everything I wanted hinged on me being brave. So, in 2010, I am brave.
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For me, being brave is an acting job. I do not feel brave. I do not exude confidence in everything I am trying to accomplish. In fact, writing this, I am in tears.
I am so tired of tears.
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Thank you, everyone, for the kind and beautiful comments you have made about the new website. I appreciate them and have held each one close. They mean more than you know.
To be completely honest, this website terrifies me. There are times when I cannot remember why I thought this was a good idea. I have been online in the blogging world for over four years now and yet never as 'me.' I have never put my photo, last name, city, or my company name anywhere on the internet. Until now. I know I had good reasons to do this but for the life of me...
It is more overwhelming than I thought it would be.
I am brave.
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I was walking through the office Monday and had this sensation of being fully exposed. I felt as though everyone in the room knew about my website, had read my writing, and was secretly judging me. This was not like that embarrassing dream you have in which you show up to class naked. This was raw. This was skin-peeled-from-my-body exposed.
It hurts. The lightest breeze touches me and it burns.
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People think I am shy. If you saw me in a crowded room, I would be off to the side, quiet and reserved, watching silently. I would speak to the few people who would approach me, but I probably would never venture into the midst of the throng.
I am not shy. I am private. To let people in and let them know me has always been the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Trust is incredibly difficult for me. If you know me, you can hurt me. And I have been hurt too often.
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I am not brave but I am acting as though I am. That is the best I can do for now.
blogging in About Writing 
Reader Comments (4)
Oh, my dear. That all IS brave. Brave is stepping up WHEN is scares you, not because it doesn't scare you anymore. You are brave, and it is an inspiration, to me at the very least.
Everytime you write something I find myself sitting here, nodding along in silent agreement. I know how that feels, I totally know what means, this is me. It is nice to find a kindred spirit amongs the throngs of people on the interwebs.
VULNERABLE:capable of or susceptible to being wounded
I am amazed and marveling at this whole outcoming! Eager to take this journey WITH you.
I didn't realize you picked a word for the year to focus on. I've done that for the past couple of years. As I was thinking of what to choose this year the word joy kept coming to mind. So, joy is my word for 2010. Remember the old song we used to sing "the joy of the Lord is my strength"? I want that kind of joy - the kind that comes from God. I never realized how many verses there were in the Bible that talked about joy until now. One that I especially like is "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13 It ties in my word from 2009 - hope. May the God of hope fill you with joy and peace as you try to be brave this year. Rely on Him for your strength.
We try to teach my children that being brave doesn't mean you aren't afraid. In fact most people who are brave are terrified. But being brave means doing it despite the fear. So by that definition you are indeed a very brave person, my friend.
Sometimes you need to think about the times when you were inexplicably brave in your life. Reflecting on those times can help bolster you for now. For example, one day a dear friend of mine told me she thought of me as a courageous person. I was shocked. I had never ever thought of myself as more than a wimpy, sniveling bowl of jelly. But then my friend told me why she thought that--gave me examples of things I had done to show courage (went back to college at age 30 then from there to grad school). From that point on, every time I wondered if I had the cajones to do something, I would remember that Meg thinks I'm courageous and I needed to live up to that.
Anyway, the point is, you are indeed a brave person, even when you are curled up in a ball crying in fear, you are brave because eventually you got up and sat down and wrote it all out.