Connection
DebraI remember when:
- computers were not common household machines
- turning on the computer and 'going online' were two distinctly different activities
- you could ask someone if they had an email address and receive a blank look in return
- chat rooms were the coolest thing
No longer do I just turn on my computer and 'go online.' These days my browser has no fewer than seven different tabs open and I have at least two other applications running at the same time, all the time. I am constantly clicking between them because like me, everyone else is online and constantly updating things and the urge to keep up is strong. It is not even unusual for me to have two computers on (work and personal) and while I am not proud of it, three (work, personal Mac and personal PC) were on earlier today.
Why?
I will not apologize for some of it. Almost half of the tabs and applications are ways to stay in touch with the LDBF on the other side of the ocean. Given the fact that we do not get to see each other every day, we stay connected using the tools available. Even if we go hours without communicating, just seeing that he is online, and therefore 'here,' is comforting. For the rest, I have no excuse other than habit. I have been sending and receiving information over so many different platforms for so long, it has become second nature.
Two summers ago I went into my local mobile phone center and came out with the latest and greatest smartphone. It allowed me to play music, take and send photos, receive email from all my different accounts, and browse the Internet. As I walked out the door, happy with my new toy, the sales clerk remarked, "You are now connected in every way possible." I replied, "I know! This is so great!"
Last week, I read this post by Adam P. Knave and one line stuck out: "...it’s too easy to keep up with people and that means that, realistically, it is harder than ever." No kidding. Remember when you only saw the people with whom you graduated high school at the local summer festival? Or when you caught up with far-flung family members at reunions or Christmas? Now with Facebook, email, IM, and a whole host of other technological advances, you may be in touch with these people all the time. The thing is, at summer festivals and reunions and Christmas you make time for seeing friends and catching up. Where did we get all the extra time to keep up with all that every day?
Do not misunderstand. I appreciate and am ever grateful for the technology in my life. I have made great friends via the Internet and they are just as close, if not closer, than those I have within driving distance. I may have never met the LDBF, certainly would not have gotten to know him in the way that I have, and if we lived in another time, and had to live this far apart? Well, we probably would not have found it prudent to stay together. Technology has provided me options I would not have had even a generation ago.
This weekend I went into my local mobile phone center and came out with the latest and greatest smartphone. It allows me to play music, take and send photos, receive email from all my different accounts, browse the Internet, update my blog and Facebook and Twitter and Flickr and MySpace (if I had a MySpace) accounts and keep up with all of yours, make conference calls, make and play videos, and with the addition of a SIM card, make calls from anywhere in the world. As I walked out the door, a little apprehensive about my new toy, the sales clerk remarked, "You are now connected in every way possible." I replied, "Yeah, until the next thing comes along."
I read this post by Paul and Sara over the weekend that brilliantly sums up the obstacles to communication unique to a couple who spend months without seeing each other. It brought me to tears. There are times when I could really use a hug from the LDBF, or see his smile, or rest my head on his shoulder. There is no technology that can substitute that. But technology is all we have the majority of the time. So our communication is frequent, thanks to technology, but it is not all it could be. That is the most difficult part. Quantity over quality is never the ideal.
So what is my point? Technology has a place. In it's most positive light, it can be used to keep you close to the ones you love when you are not able to be in the same room. It can keep you connected over miles and months of distance; it is a godsend in that regard. However, due to technology's accessibility and convenience, we can take it to the extreme and try to keep up with more people than really matter. If that is done to the detriment of the relationships that should be central and focused in our lives, it truly is a negative. The quality of important relationships should be higher priority than having a larger quantity of relationships overall.
While writing this, someone I do not know requested to be my friend on Facebook. Judging by her maiden name, I assume she is somehow related to me. I do not recognize her from her photo and I am pretty sure we have never met. She is probably trying to connect because she thinks we should.
I am declining the offer for the exact same reason.
Reader Comments (2)
An excellently written post as ever, Debra, with some well put points. As someone who is as 'connected' as anyone can be, and who has always been so from the early days (IRC etc) I recognise a lot of what you say.
Today we are far more enabled than we ever thought we could be, communications is near instantaneous and the vectors are more numerous than can be comprehended. It serves its purpose, allowing us, whether in long distance relationships or serving in the forces overseas or working away from home, to keep up and maintain those relationships most important to us, and many not so important.
With the emergence of this constant communications and information flow, I would be very interested to understand the impact on those traditional watering hole conversations with our distant families and friends you describe so well. Does the increase in information increase our opportunity to communicate, or does it lessen it? Does the mystery and the surprise and the 'wow' of catching up with old friends and relatives diminish because of this? Does 'always on' make the long distance relationship harder or easier to deal with?
Yesterday I cut 20% of my FB 'friends' from my list (yes, I am a ruthless monster, to do such thing). In reality they were no more than acquantainces than friends and I had no real interest in what they were doing and can only assume they reciprocated that level of interest. Strangely, I did have a moment of angst doing so, a probable hangover from those halcyon days where social interaction and obligation rested on the fact you would probably be meeting the person involved sometime soon and therefore couldn't get away with such a thing.
Just yesterday I "cleaned out" my facebook and flickr contact lists. For a long time (well, until yesterday!) if someone added me as a contact on flickr or asked to be my friend on Facebook, I added them. Well, on Facebook I didn't add them if I didn't know them at all, but hey! I remember you! You were 3 years ahead of me in high school and I think I bumped into you once in the hall! got them an add.
In recent months I've been having urges to simplify. In simplifying, some things have become inherently more difficult, and others simpler. This is not just in my online life, but in real life, both with personal relationships and with our home--the things we consume and the things we SO. It's just all so much! Trimming down my online contacts was just one step. There just wasn't/isn't enough time in the day for all the things I try to fit in.
Interestingly enough, as few as 6 years ago I didn't have internet access at home. As few as 10 years ago I didn't have internet access at work. I got my first (very basic) cellphone 7 years ago, and now I feel twitchy if I forget my Blackberry for even an hour. Sometimes I sit and wonder what it was I did with all this time that I now spend online/connected. And I wonder...am I better off now?
Like you say, it has it's place. texting enables me to keep in contact with my very best friend who lives so far north in Illinois that she may as well be in Wisconsin. We are both busy and rarely have time to talk very long, but texting keeps us in touch every day and aware of each others' lives. The internet keeps me in touch with long distance family, and has enabled me to make some very very good friends that I'm certain I'd have never met otherwise.
It's a trade-off, I guess. A balancing act. And we have to move the balance a bit one way or the other as life changes.
I sure wish I had your way with words!