Just Ask

My mother once told me that I would wait quietly until someone would notice I was awake and get me from my crib. Why I just did not cry and let someone know I wanted up, I have no idea. I do not know how old I was when I started that practice. My grandmother once told me, after learning that I had spent the entire day doing one thing while wanting to do another, that it was okay to speak up and tell people what I wanted. I was about seven at the time. In my mid-thirties, a friend and I visited a psychic on a lark and one of the only two things I remember from that visit was the psychic telling me that the reason my life was not what I wanted was because I had never asked for what I wanted. 

I am well into my forties now and sad to say, I have not made much progress in this area. I do not know if something happened in my childhood to make me this way or it is just part of my personality but whenever I become aware of myself not speaking up, not voicing an opinion again, I remember it is one more aspect of myself I would like to change.

This week has brought all this to the forefront. Again.

I have spent the week outside my normal routine, my comfort zone, and in the company of wonderful friends and welcoming strangers which has been lovely. While I have thoroughly enjoyed my time, I heard myself say more than a few dozen times, "Whatever you want to do" or "Which would you prefer?" or the dreaded "You decide."

I know why I find myself in this position. I am staying in someone else's home, trying not to be too much of an inconvenience, wanting all of us to have a good time, but it does not make me feel better about my wishy-washy-ness. I am a person with opinions so why do I feel it is inappropriate to voice them? I am not just referring to this week, either. Unfortunately, this is my standard practice.

In my mind, there is a spectrum from demanding nag to loathsome martyr but there are m-i-l-e-s between the two in which a person can feel free to ask for what they need without sounding either petulant or whiny. Why do I find it so difficult to find that middle ground?

Comments

[Mary]

As someone who does the same thing, I think it stems from the desire to please people and to ensure they "like" you. Unfortunately, it ends up backfiring because the very people you are trying to please end up feeling like they need to make all the decisions and for goat's sake, just once, why won't she make a danm decision!!! Wait. What? I've been trying to be better about it, by throwing ideas into the ring and, unless it's something really horrible, living with doing something else. Your ideas and opinions are as valid as anyone elses. It's when they *stop* asking for them when you should really worry.

[Kellee]

I find I do this very same thing. I often find it is because I have no strong feelings either way, which you do not strike me as that kind of woman. You'll get there. Either way, I think the rules are different when you are on vacation, in someone's home, with other people, in a different country. Things get complicated. :)