Living In Mudville
I am not enjoying life.
That was a hard sentence to write and an even harder thing to realize but it is true. My days are chaotic, stressful and unrewarding, full of conflict and anger. My nights are solitary, emotional and restless. My weekends are a blur of sleep-deprived furious energy moving towards targets: writing x number of words, exercising x number of minutes, cleaning out x number of items… all which are supposed to bring me a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment but only just leave me exhausted.
I need joy.
It was not that long ago that the majority of my days were happy ones. Dark moments would pass through but overall, I was a joyful person. I can no longer say that. I feel like every day is something to endure, to get through, not something to rejoice in and celebrate. This is not the way I want to live.
I sat down the other day and wrote about what an enjoyable day for me would be like. I was not interested in a ‘shucking it all and lying on a beach’ kind of day, I wanted to figure out what it would take to change the days I am living now into days that I want to be living: a new normal day. What I came up with was not too shocking. I found I need more fulfillment and purpose in my career, and I want to easily find time for the other things that matter, writing, running, spending time with the people I love. The isolation I feel at work and being alone outside work is wearing on me even more than I knew. I wake with an overwhelming sense of dread every day.
Before anyone fears for my mental health or well-being, I am looking at this realization as a positive thing. I have not been in this state of mind for long so I have every hope that I can turn it around in short order. Facing an issue is the first step in conquering it, and I fully intend to conquer this one.
This is going to be my summer of joy. I am going to identify and work toward adding more light and relaxation and reenergizing activities and spending more time doing the things that matter, with the people that matter. It is obvious to me that things need to change. This is just my declaration that they will.
balance, career, dreams, goals, healthy living, inspiration, joy, new endings, relationships, vision in About My Day 
Reader Comments (11)
Hugs for you, first off. Admitting to yourself what you have realized is so hard to do but so empowering. (I hate that word, but you know what I mean.) Acknowledging what you need to do, if not how you need to do it, is so exciting and scary and wonderful. You officially have a cheerleader and a shoulder and unlimited virtual hugs any time you wish to access them. :)
I think I am with you. Sadly though, i wonder if I would remember joy if it came up and bit me in the ass.
Thank you, Mary and Issa. Your comments mean so much. Where would we be without our best girlfriends? xoxo
Summer of Joy. I like it. It has a nice ring to it.
Every so often I realize that I'm not happy. Most of the time I go along, day to day, just living my life. I'm fine, I really am. But if I really think about it I'm not HAPPY. I'm not full of joy to be living life every day. I'm not where I want to be. I'm living solely for my children. It's sad, really.
I'm going to take a cue from you and declare this my Summer of Joy. I'm going to work towards being truly happy. Not content, not "fine", but really happy. I want to love my life the way I used to.
And I want you to love yours. My mom always says "everything happens for a reason" and "things have a way of working themselves out" and, as cliched as those phrases are, they seem to be true. If we hang in there all will be well and we'll be able to look back and see why we had to be unhappy in order to get to our good place.
Not to sound, I don't know, floaty on you, but maybe this is something you need. Maybe this is a period of fallow transition. Maybe you shouldn't rush to bring yourself up out of it, but should fully experience it, let it teach you, let it prepare the bed for something new to sprout and blossom within.
I know, sounds...whatever. Like some sort of life coach speak. But it does sound like you are doing good work in examining the feeling, figuring out what you have to learn from this time in your life. I love love love the idea of a "summer of joy". Try to be open to receiving joy in unexpected places, though. Sometimes it's the simplest of things that make a difference for me.
An artist friend of mine was just telling me about a book she discovered at the library, called "You Can Do It" which was all about revisiting those things you dreamed about when you were a kid. She says there are even merit badges you can give yourself in the back. It spurred her to take horseback riding lessons at 41 years old. I haven't seen the book, but it might be something to explore for ideas of ways to bring yourself extra joy this summer.
Whatever you do, know that you have many supporters, even people you haven't ever really "met", who believe in you!
Oh, and I'm sure you know about this book, but I'll mention it anyway: I think Julia Cameron's book The Artist's Way has some great ideas in it for artists for all kinds (even writers). I especially like her Morning Pages (although with two small children, I can't seem to pull off doing them) and Artist Dates--dates with yourself exploring all of your artistic sides. Even if you have read it, you might want to revisit.
Also, I am currently reading Writing Alone and with Others by Pat Schneider and find it very inspirational. She has practical advice and exercises that you can take or leave, but throughout, she is very supportive and encouraging and inspirational. I especially loved the chapters called "Getting Started (Again)" and "Toward a Disciplined Writing Life" (which is not at all like it sounds).
Check it out if you can.
Alissa, I so want you to have joy. I cannot think of a soul who deserves it more. Here's to both of us and our summers of joy!
Wesley, Thank you so much for the book referrals. I will definitely check them out. And I agree with you... I am trying to learn from this time and fully experience it. I must be going through it for a reason so it deserves contemplation. But I really am looking forward to getting on and getting through. Joy to you as well!
That is wonderful. I think those moment of clarity and realization or so important. Not only knowing that something isn't right, but knowing that you want to fix it and coming up with ways in which to do so... impressive. Which is just what you always are, my friend. :) Looking forward to hearing about this summer of yours!! :)
Love you, Kellee Girl! You are such a great friend!
A summer of joy sounds really good. From what you've written, it seems like you have had an epiphany of sorts - it's time to change! - and that is a really good place to start. I'm working on one of my own.
This sounds rather cheesy, I know, but years ago now my mom said "Decide what you want, and put it out to the universe." She said I had to be extremely clear about it. I'm not a spiritual person, but I was deeply unhappy at the time, so I made a list of what I needed (this was all job related) and focused on it for a minute or so every morning. Then I went out and did everything I would normally do to find a job. I ended up in a very good place. I think it's possibly because I knew exactly what I was looking for. It sounds like you almost have your own list written, but being very aware of where you want to be headed can sometimes help.
Good luck finding joy!
I've held off posting anything and have reread your post several times. I've also been praying for you. I was in the same exact place as you even though our life circumstances are completely different. I have learned so much about joy in the past few months that I feel led to share it with you. I'm going to start by trying to explain a visual presentation that Beth Moore did on a DVD that I watched. Imagine a clear, tall vase. Now imagine miniature versions of everything we fill our life up with going into that vase - a small house, an office building representing work, people, money, car, pets, books, computers, etc. etc. Everything fits rather nicely in the vase but there is still space around everything. Now, picture a pitcher of water being poured into the vase. It fills in the gaps around everything. That water is God. He's the only thing that can fill in the gaps and complete us.
I felt for years that if only I were a certain size, if only we had more money, if only I had a career, if only we lived in a different area, etc. that I would feel complete. Guess what? It doesn't matter. I'm still the same size as I was a few months ago, we still live paycheck to paycheck, we're still in the same house, etc. but I feel completely different. Why? Because I allowed God to do what He's always wanted to - fill in the gaps in my life. Now, it's all about Him and the rest of it really doesn't matter as much. I've found that when I focus on Him daily my spirit just sings. And, because I've taken the focus off of myself, I've found that other relationships are better too.
I've also learned that my "status" comes from being a child of the King, a princess (just love feeling like one!), a new creation. Once I realized I was created by God for a purpose (to worship and serve Him) it somehow took the pressure off of everything else. I know on earth I'm going to have good and bad days because we live in an imperfect world but I also know, without a doubt, that in Heaven I will be rejoicing every day and will only experience joy. That keeps me going.
I would highly recommend any book by Beth Moore. As she says, she's been in the "pit" and is now free. It's been life changing. It's taken my view of Christianity from a legalistic one to one of freedom, security and peace. Praying for you and love you!