I No Longer See It
From the time I was very young, I have always lived in two worlds, the one here with the rest of you and the one I had built inside my head. The world inside changed over the years, as I grew and matured and experienced new things, but one thing was constant. There was always a hallway with a door at the end and I would sneak down that hallway from time to time and kneel at that door to peek through the keyhole. What I saw inside was my future.
I have always had a vision of my future, I suppose because I have always had goals and dreams and some idea of the direction I wanted to take. I do not remember what was behind that door when I was very young, probably something to do with living amongst hundreds of kittens and ponies or something. From my teenaged years, behind that door was a life in the city. If you could squeeze in my mind with me, I would give you a tour of my apartment with the exposed brick walls and the loft bedroom and the wide plank floors, the color of dark golden honey. It is as clear to me as the room I am sitting in.
In my thirties, that apartment morphed into a stone cottage on a mountain, overlooking a lake. Again, every detail of that home is imprinted on my mind, from the butterscotch leather comfy chair in the corner of the cozy living room to the little purple wildflowers growing by the door and the towering evergreen pines all around. I could see myself at a large wooden desk in the den, drinking tea, watching the sunrise, and writing novels.
It was all so clear.
This weekend I stole down that hallway in my mind to take a peek through the keyhole in that door again. I looked but I could not see anything. I pulled back, cleaned my glasses and tried again. I squinted. There was nothing to see.
I have been analyzing that now for hours on end. What does it mean? Where did my future go? If I try really hard, the farthest I can see into the future is maybe... Thursday. Why? What happened?
Is it because I have not one goal now but many? Is it because each dream I hold for myself is independent yet intertwined with the others so that any of them could come true on their own or together as one and that leaves my future just too unpredictable?
I do not know.
I refuse to believe that because I did not see anything that means there is nothing there. Instead, I want to believe that there is a dark, thick, velvet curtain hanging over the inside of the door obstructing my view. If I were to kneel at the door again and put my ear, rather than my eye, to the keyhole, maybe I would hear movement, construction noises perhaps, meaning my future is being built even as I think about it.
But I did not put my ear to the door and listen. Instead I turned away from the door and left. I guess I am not yet ready to know.
career, dreams, future, goals, home, inspiration, new endings, relationships, writing in About My Day 
Reader Comments (6)
I too used to think about what my future held. I even went to psychics and fortune tellers, to try and get some clue, some inkling about what path I'd be on in a couple of years. However, now that I'm old and nearly fifty (that sounds ancient when I write it) I no longer worry and wonder about my future, I just live each day as it comes. I don't even worry about my children's futures as I believe that they will succeed in all they do. I no longer worry about the ending, and have forgotten what the beginning was. I just know that when I die, they will say that Cindy lived her life to the fullest. Live your life like there is no tomorrow.
Perhaps it is because you have so many things to be happy about in the present that you are no longer turned towards the future. Maybe you're just living more of your life in the moment. I also think your theory of mixed conglomerate of goals makes sense. It is likely a combination of all of the above. You certainly have a future, of that I have no doubt :)
I always thought I had some idea what the future looked like, but it has changed so much in the past few years that I'm completely off balance. I think that might be a good way to live - letting everything surprise me. Less disappointments, too, though I'm still working on that part.
I like this post. Very thought provoking.
On one hand, I like the idea of not knowing what the future holds, but I still feel completely unmoored by it. I need that vision for many reasons, not the least of which is as a way to get out of the funk that the present seems to always put me in. I'll try to change my way of thinking but for now, i really want my future back.
Thank you for the comments!
My future changes on a day to day basis. I envy anyone who has ever had a definite vision of what may be in store. I've never felt that way...it has always seemed uncertain.
I love this post, Debra. I've read it through three times and I am still trying to figure out all the things it's making me feel. I know, in my own way, what this is like. I don't see my version of this place anymore either. Not because it isn't there, but mostly because I hardly dare to look at it. I had a very clear vision all my life of what I wanted this place to be. And when I do go back and look at it, I'm a 16-year-old girl again. But that's harder and harder to do, because the shock of how different my reality is sometimes is more than I want to face. Because I leave the place in my head and come back to where I am and I am NOT 16. I'm 41. And what I had envisioned hasn't come to pass the way I wanted. And sometimes my life is so far flung from that place that I feel completely lost. (Some days with a map, most days without even that.) So now, I guess (to beat the metaphor to death) I'm trying to redecorate. It's slow-going and the room is mostly empty and I swear I usually cannot even find the damn furniture store. But still I forge ahead.
Thank you for this post. :-) xoxo