Clarification

I'm not sure that part of what I was trying to convey in last night's blog post came across as I intended. I didn't mean to imply that writers should not be authentic or not tell their story. What I was trying to say was, I hope writers consider the ramifications of telling too much and that they put thought into whether some things should be made public. Once you hit Publish, it's too late to think about it. 

I suppose I think about this more these days since my name is right there in my URL. It doesn't take a real clever mind to figure out who the author of this site is. Back when I blogged anonymously, I still made an effort to limit the amount of negativity I spread but I worried less about anything I wrote coming back to hurt my personal or professional life. 

I remember when we all first started using Twitter, and even Facebook, we would use our blog names and other aliases before even considering putting our actual identities online. In the past couple of years, that's all shifted and we're being more open with who we are. It's a great thing in most respects but does add a layer of risk that we're all learning to manage. It requires a balance between telling the truth in everything you write and knowing when not to write everything you know to be true. 

Not Going to Miss This One

I always seem to get to September and have this lightbulb moment when I realize that the summer season is at a close and I have yet to enjoy it. I remember one extremely hectic work year when I did not even realize that the entire season had passed until I was driving through the country and saw that all the fields had been harvested. For some reason, I never really appreciate summer like I should.

Part of that is my own doing because once the temps and the humidity both reach about 100 (degrees and percent, respectively) I shut down. It is a miserable time for me because I cannot breathe in those conditions. Not to mention, it does Roseanne Roseannadanna-like things to my hair. It is just not a positive experience.

This year, I want to change that. I want to do things, see people and go places this summer. I want to spend more time outdoors (after doubling up on hair products) and find new things to experience. Even just riding my bike more, going out to take photos, walking to the movie rental store or whatever I can find around town will be welcome. 

In a few weeks, I will be in Chicago and a few weeks after that, I will be back on vacation for a week. Other than that, I have no plans. I would like to line up a few more things that will ensure that I stay motivated and looking forward to things all throughout the summer months. 

Some of the things I have on my list (you knew I had to have a list, right?) are the Farmers' Markets in Peoria and Bloomington, walking the great hiking trail in Bloomington, perhaps a concert or two at the riverfront, maybe a local community fair, and hitting both the zoo and the wildlife park for photo opportunities. Also on the list but with a great big hesitant question mark next to it is the outdoor climbing walls in Bloomington. I have never done that but I keep thinking it would be fun and a good test of my strength, both physical and mental. I may just talk myself into before long. 

I am looking for more ideas. What are your favorite things to do outside when it's warm? And, if you are local, do you have any favorite community events or outings I should consider? 

Living In Mudville

I am not enjoying life. 

That was a hard sentence to write and an even harder thing to realize but it is true. My days are chaotic, stressful and unrewarding, full of conflict and anger. My nights are solitary, emotional and restless. My weekends are a blur of sleep-deprived furious energy moving towards targets: writing x number of words, exercising x number of minutes, cleaning out x number of items… all which are supposed to bring me a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment but only just leave me exhausted.

I need joy.

It was not that long ago that the majority of my days were happy ones. Dark moments would pass through but overall, I was a joyful person. I can no longer say that. I feel like every day is something to endure, to get through, not something to rejoice in and celebrate. This is not the way I want to live. 

I sat down the other day and wrote about what an enjoyable day for me would be like. I was not interested in a ‘shucking it all and lying on a beach’ kind of day, I wanted to figure out what it would take to change the days I am living now into days that I want to be living: a new normal day. What I came up with was not too shocking. I found I need more fulfillment and purpose in my career, and I want to easily find time for the other things that matter, writing, running, spending time with the people I love. The isolation I feel at work and being alone outside work is wearing on me even more than I knew. I wake with an overwhelming sense of dread every day.

Before anyone fears for my mental health or well-being, I am looking at this realization as a positive thing. I have not been in this state of mind for long so I have every hope that I can turn it around in short order. Facing an issue is the first step in conquering it, and I fully intend to conquer this one.  

This is going to be my summer of joy. I am going to identify and work toward adding more light and relaxation and reenergizing activities and spending more time doing the things that matter, with the people that matter. It is obvious to me that things need to change. This is just my declaration that they will. 

Glimpses Through the Window

I was sitting at my desk, staring out into the sunlit backyard, when I had a vision of another life. It was as though it was playing on a hidden screen hanging from the trees and I was watching it like I would a film. I could see me, with time enough in my day for writing, running, friends and love. I saw myself pursuing a career that brought me great fulfillment and a sense of purpose. I was smiling as if my heart contained nothing but joy.

I closed my eyes for only a moment and the vision disappeared. 

Part of me ached to run into the backyard and find the vision, jump into the screen and be transported to that life. Part of me, the part that closed my eyes and caused it to disappear, hung back, afraid to get too close.

What is it about us that causes us to cling to that which is familiar even if we can see that by letting go, trying something new, pursuing our dreams, we may be so much happier? 

Why did I close my eyes?

Achieving Balance

I subscribe to Christina Katz's Prosperous Writer e-zine and this year she is highlighting 52 qualities of prosperous writers. The theme this week is Balance and it inspired me to write, as this is something I struggle with quite often. 

While waiting for the airline to begin boarding, a toddler spent the time on two wobbly legs, ever so carefully stepping his way between his mother, father and the window. His arms were spread wide, his little fingers grasping for the edges of chairs, smooth glass panes, and daddy's fingers to help keep him upright as he passed by. His face was a study of concentration and determination.

Work, family, friends, personal obligations, creativity, physical activity, leisure--I move from one to the other and back again, constantly reminded that there are just not enough hours in a day to do it all. I struggle with priorities in my life. Work is a demanding presence which requires many hours in the day and therefore appears to be a priority, but I am learning that the two are not always synonymous. The things that feed the bank account are important but those that feed the soul are at least equally important. Without writing, relationships, physical exercise, and time for myself, I cannot function well at work, or in any other aspect of my life. I am still grasping for the edges of chairs in my mind when I try to find the balance of time for everything I am obligated to do and everything that I need. Like the toddler in the airport, I am just learning how to prioritize, find balance, but I am becoming more confident and surefooted every day.

The young woman gasped as her feet hit the surface of the moving sidewalk and started to slip out from under her. The shoes she had on were ridiculously high-heeled and precarious looking, especially for running through airports, and they had not securely transitioned from solid to unstable flooring. She grabbed for the handrail and kept herself from falling just as the bag on her shoulder shifted and threatened to take her down completely. We both sighed with relief when she was able to begin walking again on sure footing.

Sometimes I think I have achieved balance and then things start to shift and I find myself grabbing for the metaphorical handrail. Life is an unstable environment, constantly in motion, which is not a bad thing but it does tend to throw one off-balance. I loved what Christina wrote about imbalance and how it can be a valuable experience. She and her family moved in February and it shook her up more than she expected it would. But now, a month later, she has regained her balance and has found even more contentment than she had before. What an important lesson that is to remember. I need to embrace the imbalance in life, knowing that once the dust settles and my feet are planted firmly on solid ground again, things could be even better than before. 

An elderly couple sat across from me on the plane. They had that look of people who had been together for several decades and they communicated without the need for words for great periods of the flight. She silently handed him her carry-on bag to stow in the overhead compartment at the same time she was pulling out his reading glasses and newspaper from her handbag for him to use when he sat down. He would nudge her and point to an article for her to read and she would nudge him and point to things out the window. When the meal came, he poured her soda into a cup of ice for her and she placed her dessert on his tray for him. When he stood to walk to the lavatory, he teetered with the sudden movement of the airplane. She instinctively reached for him, holding his arm until he steadied himself and made his way up the aisle.

While most of the time I look for balance within myself, it is incredibly gratifying to know that I have people upon whom I can lean when I need it. Having someone to listen and provide advice is necessary for all of us. I learn so much from others, both what and what not to do, that I do not know how anyone could travel through life completely alone. We need those fingers to grasp, those gentle nudges, that steadying hand on our arm, to keep us upright and balanced sometimes.

Do I achieve balance in my life all the time? No, but neither does anyone else. We are not meant to. What I can do is try to become more confident in my choices, more forgiving of my missteps and more conscious of the decisions affecting the balance in my life. Knowing what is important to me and what I need is the first step.

What is important to you? What do you struggle with in terms of achieving balance in your life? What do you wish you could find more time to do?