In Flux

I've heard the phrase, "so-and-so is in a state of flux," all my life. Given the context it was always uttered in, I assumed that it meant the person was facing tremendous change or indecision. It rarely seemed like a positive experience but it also always had a temporary feel to it, as if even in the midst of it, the person knew it would end.

When I was trying to think of how to describe what I've been going through lately, that phrase leapt to mind. And being the lover of words and phrases and their meanings, as I am, I decided to look up what its common definition is. 

However, I typed in the search term incorrectly. I typed in "in flux" instead of "in a state of flux." When the meaning wasn't really close to what I had always assumed it was, I looked again at what I had entered and saw the mistake and corrected it.

According to the freedictionary.com, "in a state of flux" means: "a state of uncertainty about what should be done." So, I was right. But it didn't really ring true once I read it. I don't feel uncertain about what to do. And I hope this isn't temporary. So I went back to the meaning for "in flux."

According to dictionary.com, "in flux" means: "the act of flowing in; the place at which one stream flows into another or into the sea."  Yes, that's more like it. I am doing more, experimenting more, and going more than I have in years. I am trying on activities like I try on shoes... randomly and with abandon. I'm keeping those I like, that feel good and discarding the others. I'm not analyzing any of it. If it feels like something I can walk in, I keep it. I'm keeping the things that fit.

I am experiencing in flux. 

Finally.

A Summer, Focused

In September I begin a course on courageous living with a life coach. Included in the welcome pack I received when I registered was an exercise that will be the first assignment of the session. She included it as something we students could think about and work on in the months leading up to class. I, being the type who always does her homework the minute it's assigned, have already taken it out and started mulling it over.

The assignment itself is simplistic in direction but overwhelming in nature. The goal is to decide three to five things I want to see shift as a result of the time the coach and other students will be working with me. The items can be tangible (save X dollars, write a poem, etc.) or intangible (feel more energetic, improve communication with a friend, etc.) 

At least a dozen things spring to mind immediately when I read the assignment so it isn't that I can't think of anything to fill the page, it is that I want to make sure I choose the right ones. Since there can only be three to five items on the list, they should be ones that require help from a supportive community to attain, will lay the foundation for future changes and will have significant impact on my life. It is going to take some time to evaluate everything and determine the best choices.

 * * * 

mollykath's article on her life list inspired me. On my previous blog I had started a list of 100 Things that were goals I wanted to achieve before the end of my life. After reading mollykath's post I read back over mine. It was satisfying to see that I had crossed off an impressive number of them but some of the remaining items already seemed dated and foolish, even in this short amount of time. 

I would like to begin another list, a Life List, on this site and try to find things that will help others, improve the world and bring me joy. There won't be a predetermined number of items but whatever is on the list will have been thoughtfully and carefully considered before adding. I'm excited about setting new goals.

 * * * 

I read this blog post from my BlackBerry while standing in line at the store and before even reaching the mid-point, I was standing in line at the store, with tears rolling down my cheeks. Jenny is someone who is not often serious in her posts but when she is, she is one of the most poignant, straight to the heart writers out there. I thanked her for writing this post and I intend to keep the spirit of the red dress with me. And I am determined to find my own red dress, figuratively or literally. And wear the hell out of it, as Jenny said.

 * * * 

In random conversations with various people about topics not even remotely related, it dawned on me that I need to write my future. I'm the storyteller, right? Maybe I can't picture it perfectly yet and maybe I don't have every facet understood but I know how I want my future to feel. I am not able to close my eyes and see me in it, but I can feel it in my heart. I am going to try to put those emotions on paper and hopefully the words will begin to form shapes and those shapes will begin to form pictures and soon, I will see my future again.

 * * *

These are the things I will be digging into this summer. You may read some of my thoughts here, some you may not. How much I share will depend on what my soul-searching uncovers. I'm excited to get started, a bit nervous about what I may learn and willing to face it bravely, regardless. 

Meet Up

I have not been able to get the dream out of my mind. Or, rather, I have not been able to get what I perceived to be the message of the dream out of my mind. It bothers me that I spend so much time alone even though my favorite activities of writing and reading dictate it. When I attempt a night out and go to dinner or a movie, most often times I am alone, such is the life of the single woman amongst happily paired-off and parenting friends. Even at work, many hours of the week are spent alone at my desk, in silent companionship with the sole coworker who works near me. There are entire weeks when I do not spend a single hour in friendly non-work pursuits with another person. Even this upcoming trip to Chicago that I am so looking forward to will be spent alone. Other than a few conversations with James, my favorite doorman at the hotel, I may not speak to anyone else other than to order food or give the taxi driver my destination.

I am introverted by nature. Being around large crowds or boisterous people for extended periods drains the life out of me. I need to be alone after those situations to recharge my battery and begin to feel human again. However, one on one conversations or quiet evenings spent with close friends are like fuel.  I do not require times like that often but I do need them. Humans need interaction, don't they?

All of this was on my mind Friday afternoon when I finished yet another work day without speaking to anyone. I spent an hour or more thinking of ways to meet people in a casual but friendly atmosphere. Nothing came to mind. I had just given up and picked up the book I was reading when it hit me. A book club. I have never been part of a book club but what an ingenious way to combine two things I enjoy, reading books and talking about books. Add to that meeting new book-loving people and it sounded perfect.

I immediately grabbed the MacBook and Googled local book clubs. I swear to you, I have done this at least once a year since moving here and never with any desirable results. This time, I hit the jackpot. I found a rather strong, active book club in Peoria and joined immediately. Of course, luck being what it is for me sometimes, the June meeting was already closed to additional attendees and I will be out of the country for the July meeting but I am determined to meet them in August, if at all possible.

Once my book club registration was complete, the site I was on offered to show me other clubs in the area. I clicked and was pleasantly surprised (read: shocked) by the number of offerings. I immediately joined an independent film club that meets once a month for the sole intent of watching indie films together. Before I could even think about my nerves, I RSVP'd to their June meeting at a theater in Peoria to watch the independent film playing that night. Actually, this sounds like a great first event for me. A few moments of small talk in the lobby, followed by two hours of a great film (no conversation needed) and then an hour or so of discussion of the film (ready-made topic) sounds like a perfect evening.

Inspired by my sudden burst of bravery, I continued to pursue the list of clubs. Many were centered on hobbies I do not have and there were several 'mommy' groups but then my eye landed on a singles club. At first I had no interest in that one either but the tag line was intriguing so I clicked on it. The website stated in several places that this is not a dating club so that made me feel better and I kept reading. From what I could surmise a better name for the club would be "People who want to go to a movie, concert, dinner, museum, hiking, art gallery, festival, or comedy club but don't want to go alone and feel awkward and look out of place, even if only in their own minds Club." But that does not roll off the tongue quite as easily as "Singles Club." I'll give them a pass on that.

So without much hesitation I joined that one too. They seem to have quite an active membership, I have received a warm welcome and the calendar is full of outings every week. I have tentatively RSVP'd to a dinner out with the group next week.

Within a half hour, I had joined and committed to three new groups of people who share my interests and have a desire to meet others. It was quite exhilarating and overwhelming at the same time. I am hard on myself often, actually I am my own worst critic, but this time, I identified a lack in my life and took positive steps toward filling it. I am proud of me.