Fourteen

Today is my 14th anniversary with my current employer. I can still remember the first day and how it felt like I was drowning in new faces, unfamiliar acronyms, HR forms and orientation meetings. I wasn't sure how I'd ever learn everything it felt like was being thrown at me. In some ways, it feels like that day was last week. On most days, I feel every one of the days between that one and today.

I resemble the person I was that day but I'm not her any longer. Years at any job, but I think particularly a large corporation that spans the globe, will do that to you. I've done things I never dreamt I'd do, talked to people in places I never thought I'd have the opportunity, learned things that my university courses and MBA just couldn't teach. I know the amazing feeling of being part of a team that functions like a well-oiled machine and I know the misery that comes when you aren't. And I know that if you work hard and are patient, your career will flow through both of those situations over and over again. The trick is to learn something from it all so you can face the next time wiser and more resilient. 

While I've worked at the same company for a lot of years, my job has been constantly changing. What I do today wasn't even a role in the company when I started. That's the best part and the part I enjoy the most about working where I do. If you have the inclination and the drive and a bit of luck, you can invent and reinvent your career path. I'm excited to see what I may be doing when I celebrate my 15th year.

Thirteen

Yesterday was my service anniversary at work. It is one of those milestone days, like my birthday, that always causes me to stop and reflect. I like looking back over the years to see how things have changed because it reminds me that even though I may not see differences from day to day, my life isn't stagnant. At times, it's even flourishing.

Thirteen years ago I was ‘over the moon’ excited about going to work at a Fortune 100 corporation. A friend and I had written a research paper our senior year at college about this company and by the time we were done we knew everything from its founding fathers to its current product line. Both of us wanted to work for a company with such a great reputation for integrity and quality. We both succeeded and started here on the same day. I loved everything about the job, especially the commute (seven minutes if I had to sit through the red light). 

I remember I wore suits almost every day. Even when I was told that it wasn’t necessary, that the corporate culture had relaxed into business casual quite a while before, I still wore suits. They made me feel like what I contributed mattered and made me feel more confident than I felt most days. 

The first project I was placed on was huge. It was a multi-year, multi-million dollar effort that impacted every other team in our business unit. The coordination, change and communication efforts dwarfed the monstrous software development effort several times over. I remember feeling like I was part of something that really mattered, that some day what we were doing would be called out as significant on the corporation’s timeline of achievements. All I could see was a future of promise and opportunity. 

Thirteen years later my workday bears no resemblance to the first one. I’ve had ten different jobs and five salary grade bumps since then. I’ve sat in 13 desks in six buildings in three cities. The friend I started with chose to leave the company last year and even though we never worked together, I miss her. My commute is still great though, just twenty minutes unless the construction crews are out.

I haven’t worn a suit to work in years, not since I led a project that required me to address all our marketing vice presidents every quarter. These days I wear nothing but business casual. Some days, even jeans. I can because I am confident that what I contribute matters. I don’t need my wardrobe to hold me up anymore. And that huge first project I was on? The software we developed is already considered legacy and is being replaced by another multi-year, multi-million dollar development effort. The circle of life in technology.

The role I play now is called significant. It impacts and integrates with every other team in our business unit and throughout many others in the enterprise. The coordination, change, communication, negotiation and conflict resolution skills I have had to acquire dwarf several times over what few software development skills I had at one time. I enjoy being part of something that leaders in the company feel brings value. 

It's been a long thirteen years that have gone by in an instant. If you asked me where I will be thirteen years from now, I couldn't say. I do know that the future still holds promise and opportunity. How it unfolds is yet to be seen.

Lest I Forget

Sometimes I know I must sound depressed or lost or maybe even angry about where I am in my life. Sometimes I am. I am not comfortable with all the uncertainty and decision making and "what am I going to be when I grow up?" conversations I still have in front of me. It is not that I want my entire life mapped out but if I just knew which direction I was headed... that would be keen.

But I am also incredibly grateful. I have a job that grants me a nice lifestyle. I lack nothing I need and very little I want. I am able to put money away for retirement, give to charity and take nice trips. My health is great, my body does whatever I ask of it, with very little complaint, and my mind has not failed me yet. *knock wood*

Most of all, I am surrounded by the most amazing people. Though the tension at work supersedes everything else, everyone around me is a good person. We are just unfortunately on opposite sides of the issues most of the time. My family, though I do not spend as much time with them as I should, are always there for me. My friends are of the highest quality. I could not ask for a better support system. I am especially thankful for you here, who read, comment and support. The gift of your time means so much. 

I am incredibly lucky, incredibly grateful. Let none of us lose sight of that.

In what ways are you lucky? What makes you grateful?

Living In Mudville

I am not enjoying life. 

That was a hard sentence to write and an even harder thing to realize but it is true. My days are chaotic, stressful and unrewarding, full of conflict and anger. My nights are solitary, emotional and restless. My weekends are a blur of sleep-deprived furious energy moving towards targets: writing x number of words, exercising x number of minutes, cleaning out x number of items… all which are supposed to bring me a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment but only just leave me exhausted.

I need joy.

It was not that long ago that the majority of my days were happy ones. Dark moments would pass through but overall, I was a joyful person. I can no longer say that. I feel like every day is something to endure, to get through, not something to rejoice in and celebrate. This is not the way I want to live. 

I sat down the other day and wrote about what an enjoyable day for me would be like. I was not interested in a ‘shucking it all and lying on a beach’ kind of day, I wanted to figure out what it would take to change the days I am living now into days that I want to be living: a new normal day. What I came up with was not too shocking. I found I need more fulfillment and purpose in my career, and I want to easily find time for the other things that matter, writing, running, spending time with the people I love. The isolation I feel at work and being alone outside work is wearing on me even more than I knew. I wake with an overwhelming sense of dread every day.

Before anyone fears for my mental health or well-being, I am looking at this realization as a positive thing. I have not been in this state of mind for long so I have every hope that I can turn it around in short order. Facing an issue is the first step in conquering it, and I fully intend to conquer this one.  

This is going to be my summer of joy. I am going to identify and work toward adding more light and relaxation and reenergizing activities and spending more time doing the things that matter, with the people that matter. It is obvious to me that things need to change. This is just my declaration that they will. 

I No Longer See It

From the time I was very young, I have always lived in two worlds, the one here with the rest of you and the one I had built inside my head. The world inside changed over the years, as I grew and matured and experienced new things, but one thing was constant. There was always a hallway with a door at the end and I would sneak down that hallway from time to time and kneel at that door to peek through the keyhole. What I saw inside was my future.

I have always had a vision of my future, I suppose because I have always had goals and dreams and some idea of the direction I wanted to take. I do not remember what was behind that door when I was very young, probably something to do with living amongst hundreds of kittens and ponies or something. From my teenaged years, behind that door was a life in the city. If you could squeeze in my mind with me, I would give you a tour of my apartment with the exposed brick walls and the loft bedroom and the wide plank floors, the color of dark golden honey. It is as clear to me as the room I am sitting in. 

In my thirties, that apartment morphed into a stone cottage on a mountain, overlooking a lake. Again, every detail of that home is imprinted on my mind, from the butterscotch leather comfy chair in the corner of the cozy living room to the little purple wildflowers growing by the door and the towering evergreen pines all around. I could see myself at a large wooden desk in the den, drinking tea, watching the sunrise, and writing novels.

It was all so clear.

This weekend I stole down that hallway in my mind to take a peek through the keyhole in that door again. I looked but I could not see anything. I pulled back, cleaned my glasses and tried again. I squinted. There was nothing to see.

I have been analyzing that now for hours on end. What does it mean? Where did my future go? If I try really hard, the farthest I can see into the future is maybe... Thursday. Why? What happened?

Is it because I have not one goal now but many? Is it because each dream I hold for myself is independent yet intertwined with the others so that any of them could come true on their own or together as one and that leaves my future just too unpredictable? 

I do not know. 

I refuse to believe that because I did not see anything that means there is nothing there. Instead, I want to believe that there is a dark, thick, velvet curtain hanging over the inside of the door obstructing my view. If I were to kneel at the door again and put my ear, rather than my eye, to the keyhole, maybe I would hear movement, construction noises perhaps, meaning my future is being built even as I think about it.

But I did not put my ear to the door and listen. Instead I turned away from the door and left. I guess I am not yet ready to know.

I Need It Good Again

Things are extremely... what is the word?... uncomfortable at work lately. Without going into detail, let me just say that I thrive in an environment that is unlike the one we have experienced lately. It has nothing to do with the business and everything to do with personalities and simple human-ness. 

Enough said, yes?

There is no one to fault. There is everyone to fault. There are dozens of not so good things and a couple of really not good things all colluding and colliding and combining to create an atmosphere so thick with bad we can barely breathe. One person described it as feeling like you are drowning. Another described it as feeling as though you are being beaten up. All day. 

So maybe calling it uncomfortable was an understatement.

I have one of the best supervisors and top level management teams in the company and they are working hard to improve things. If they could be so open with an employee, they would probably admit to being just as frustrated. We are all trying. We are all struggling.

My job is important to me. When it is good, I feel valuable and valued. When it is good, there are smiles in the hallways and laughs after meetings. When it is good, we support each other through rough patches and celebrate our successes together. When it is good, the hours fly.

My job is important to me and right now, it is not good. I need it to be good again.

So today, I will try again.