Out of Line

Do you know those wonderful moments in life when everything you do executes perfectly, you always find the right words and all you touch turns to gold? Some people say those are the times all your stars are aligned or you're on top of your game. You can do no wrong. Those are shining moments.

Well, I've not had one of those moments for a long while. Whatever the opposite of being on top of your game is, that's where I am. And I don't think any of my stars are even speaking to each other, let alone aligning. 

Lately, it feels like I've lost my ability to connect... with others, my work, myself. I'm struggling to be heard --no, I'm struggling to be understood-- and in the process, saying things that either alienate others or result in me having the distinct taste of shoe leather in my mouth. I'm reaching out and nobody's there. I try to give and get pushed aside. I feel like I'm in the way and that goes for being in my own way, too.

It's difficult, when so much of my life is communicating, to be in a slump like this. I feel like I need to try harder and yet in doing so, I tend to make things worse. So I back off and then people think I'm aloof or mad or something, but I don't know what they think because we aren't talking. 

I know this is just one of those unshining moments life tends to hand out once in a while and things will turn around but in the meantime, ouch. Just know that I'm aware of it and trying to get back into the groove but if any of you know anything about star wrangling, I'd be most appreciative. 

Just Ask

My mother once told me that I would wait quietly until someone would notice I was awake and get me from my crib. Why I just did not cry and let someone know I wanted up, I have no idea. I do not know how old I was when I started that practice. My grandmother once told me, after learning that I had spent the entire day doing one thing while wanting to do another, that it was okay to speak up and tell people what I wanted. I was about seven at the time. In my mid-thirties, a friend and I visited a psychic on a lark and one of the only two things I remember from that visit was the psychic telling me that the reason my life was not what I wanted was because I had never asked for what I wanted. 

I am well into my forties now and sad to say, I have not made much progress in this area. I do not know if something happened in my childhood to make me this way or it is just part of my personality but whenever I become aware of myself not speaking up, not voicing an opinion again, I remember it is one more aspect of myself I would like to change.

This week has brought all this to the forefront. Again.

I have spent the week outside my normal routine, my comfort zone, and in the company of wonderful friends and welcoming strangers which has been lovely. While I have thoroughly enjoyed my time, I heard myself say more than a few dozen times, "Whatever you want to do" or "Which would you prefer?" or the dreaded "You decide."

I know why I find myself in this position. I am staying in someone else's home, trying not to be too much of an inconvenience, wanting all of us to have a good time, but it does not make me feel better about my wishy-washy-ness. I am a person with opinions so why do I feel it is inappropriate to voice them? I am not just referring to this week, either. Unfortunately, this is my standard practice.

In my mind, there is a spectrum from demanding nag to loathsome martyr but there are m-i-l-e-s between the two in which a person can feel free to ask for what they need without sounding either petulant or whiny. Why do I find it so difficult to find that middle ground?

Connection

I remember when:

• computers were not common household machines
• turning on the computer and 'going online' were two distinctly different activities
• you could ask someone if they had an email address and receive a blank look in return
• chat rooms were the coolest thing 

No longer do I just turn on my computer and 'go online.' These days my browser has no fewer than seven different tabs open and I have at least two other applications running at the same time, all the time. I am constantly clicking between them because like me, everyone else is online and constantly updating things and the urge to keep up is strong. It is not even unusual for me to have two computers on (work and personal) and while I am not proud of it, three (work, personal Mac and personal PC) were on earlier today.

Why?

I will not apologize for some of it. Almost half of the tabs and applications are ways to stay in touch with the LDBF on the other side of the ocean. Given the fact that we do not get to see each other every day, we stay connected using the tools available. Even if we go hours without communicating, just seeing that he is online, and therefore 'here,' is comforting. For the rest, I have no excuse other than habit. I have been sending and receiving information over so many different platforms for so long, it has become second nature. 

Two summers ago I went into my local mobile phone center and came out with the latest and greatest smartphone. It allowed me to play music, take and send photos, receive email from all my different accounts, and browse the Internet. As I walked out the door, happy with my new toy, the sales clerk remarked, "You are now connected in every way possible." I replied, "I know! This is so great!"

Last week, I read this post by Adam P. Knave and one line stuck out: "...it’s too easy to keep up with people and that means that, realistically, it is harder than ever." No kidding. Remember when you only saw the people with whom you graduated high school at the local summer festival? Or when you caught up with far-flung family members at reunions or Christmas? Now with Facebook, email, IM, and a whole host of other technological advances, you may be in touch with these people all the time. The thing is, at summer festivals and reunions and Christmas you make time for seeing friends and catching up. Where did we get all the extra time to keep up with all that every day?

Do not misunderstand. I appreciate and am ever grateful for the technology in my life. I have made great friends via the Internet and they are just as close, if not closer, than those I have within driving distance. I may have never met the LDBF, certainly would not have gotten to know him in the way that I have, and if we lived in another time, and had to live this far apart? Well, we probably would not have found it prudent to stay together. Technology has provided me options I would not have had even a generation ago.

This weekend I went into my local mobile phone center and came out with the latest and greatest smartphone. It allows me to play music, take and send photos, receive email from all my different accounts, browse the Internet, update my blog and Facebook and Twitter and Flickr and MySpace (if I had a MySpace) accounts and keep up with all of yours, make conference calls, make and play videos, and with the addition of a SIM card, make calls from anywhere in the world. As I walked out the door, a little apprehensive about my new toy, the sales clerk remarked, "You are now connected in every way possible."  I replied, "Yeah, until the next thing comes along."

I read this post by Paul and Sara over the weekend that brilliantly sums up the obstacles to communication unique to a couple who spend months without seeing each other. It brought me to tears. There are times when I could really use a hug from the LDBF, or see his smile, or rest my head on his shoulder. There is no technology that can substitute that. But technology is all we have the majority of the time. So our communication is frequent, thanks to technology, but it is not all it could be. That is the most difficult part. Quantity over quality is never the ideal. 

So what is my point? Technology has a place. In it's most positive light, it can be used to keep you close to the ones you love when you are not able to be in the same room. It can keep you connected over miles and months of distance; it is a godsend in that regard. However, due to technology's accessibility and convenience, we can take it to the extreme and try to keep up with more people than really matter. If that is done to the detriment of the relationships that should be central and focused in our lives, it truly is a negative. The quality of important relationships should be higher priority than having a larger quantity of relationships overall.

While writing this, someone I do not know requested to be my friend on Facebook. Judging by her maiden name, I assume she is somehow related to me. I do not recognize her from her photo and I am pretty sure we have never met. She is probably trying to connect because she thinks we should.

I am declining the offer for the exact same reason.