And Now?

I perused the local real estate sites last night and found a house for sale that piqued my interest. It's a brick Cape Cod, with 2 bedrooms, 1 1/2 baths, wood floors and two fireplaces. It looks like a brick gingerbread house. Adorable. It's the right size, in the right location, at the right price. It needs a complete overhaul on the inside but it has good bones and I have a great contractor, so I'm not concerned about that. I drove by tonight after work to check out the neighborhood and was determined that if things didn't look too sketchy, I was phoning my realtor to schedule a showing. 

It's on a perfect block, you guys. 

It's one of those amazingly eclectic neighborhoods in which every house is a different style and they all ooze character and charm. All the yards were well maintained and while the houses are closer together than I would prefer in an ideal world, the lots were of a completely respectable size. 

I annoyed many a fellow driver by sitting in the street staring at it, let me tell you. 

So I was all excited about phoning the realtor and just as I pulled away, I saw it. You know that house that has been headlining my dreams for the past several years? It's two doors down from the one that's for sale. It's my cottage-style bungalow with the front porch. And no, it isn't for sale. 

Do I look at the Cape Cod and settle for pretty darn close to what I wanted? Or go to the dream house, knock on the door and make them an offer? I could go either way. 

Nothing on the Horizon

I'm sad to report that house hunting isn't going well. I've talked to a few people about the area I want to move to and they've all said the same thing: it's a great neighborhood, I would thoroughly enjoy living there and good luck finding a house in my price range. It's a strange area, indeed. Most homes are either million-dollar mansions or complete gut jobs in scary places. The precious few middle-of-the-road gems that I would be interested in rarely come on the market and when they do, you have to be ready to pounce. 

My legs are sore from being in this crouching position for so long.

I have started to overthink this (imagine that) and wonder if I'm being given a sign that maybe this particular move isn't for me. Maybe I'm meant to move but not where I thought. I'm trying to remain open and receptive but at the same time, not give up hope. It's a thin line I walk. 

How do you know when to hang in there and when to let go of a dream? It's a question I've never been able to answer gracefully and with full commitment. Have you any advice?

One-third Down

It's the first of May, believe it or not. This year is following in the footsteps of its predecessors and speeding by much too quickly. However, May is usually a month full of gorgeous blooming and leafing plants and a bit more consistent warm weather so I'm happy to see its arrival.

Today also marks the end of the first third of the year. It's a good time to take a look at the goals and dreams you set at the beginning of the year and make sure you're tracking to plan. I spent a few minutes with my vision board this morning and I feel very good about where my year is headed.  I had four themes on my board and three of them are well underway. The fourth needs a bit more focus but I work on it when opportunities arise. 

How about you? Are you feeling pretty good about your goals? If not, no worries, you still have plenty of time left in your year. The first of May is a wonderful day to start fresh, renew the commitments you made to yourself and get reenergized. We're lucky here that we're also in the midst of our spring season and that always helps motivate people into action. So, how do you feel? Are you ready to take on the next third of the year and meet some of your goals? What would you like to see accomplished by the time September rolls around? 

Mondo Beyondo

I've mentioned a few times that I'm participating in Mondo Beyondo and yet I've not really talked about what it is. First though, I should tell you about someone I greatly admire and who is the co-founder of Mondo Beyondo, Andrea Scher. 

I have been following Andrea's blog, Superhero Journal, for years. She is an artist and photographer who shares her journey through life eloquently and provides so much inspiration to me that I consider her a great friend, even though we've never met. More than once I have been struggling with some inner doubt or fear and I will turn to her blog and find she has written about the same thing that day. She has taught me a great deal about being compassionate to myself and I am grateful. She and her blog feel like my own personal gift from the Universe.

When I first learned about her Mondo Beyondo endeavor, I was too afraid to register. It sounded far too cool for someone like me and I sat out. The next time it was offered I tried to register but it was full or I had missed the deadline or something and I sat out again. I now understand that this was how it was meant to be. I wasn't ready emotionally for where the Mondo Beyondo journey was going to take me. This year, I am. And this year, when I went to register, I got in. Just as it was meant to be. 

Mondo Beyondo, as the website states, is all about turning dreams into reality. It wasn't until the last year that I realized how few dreams I had. I believed that I couldn't dream or shouldn't dream of things I really wanted because I didn't deserve them. But, you know what? I do deserve a life that fulfills me and I do deserve love and I do deserve joy. So that's exactly what I'm dreaming for in my Mondo Beyondo experience.

I won't take you through every step of the process because I recommend you just take the course yourself, but I will tell you what has stood out for me so far. 

• We sat one night and brainstormed dreams. Just sat, pen on paper for two ten-minute blocks of time, writing every dream, large or small, crazy or not, that came to mind. I was overwhelmed with how many dreams I had for my life. Some of them are quite grand, others completely obtainable, but I had never seen them all listed out like that before. It was amazing to see what my life could become if I trust that everything will happen. 
• It was several days later that we returned to our list of dreams and began to categorize them by how they were challenging us. Some would require us to be more vulnerable, others more brave. Some required more flexibility, and others required us to be more open and others still, trusting. In looking at my list this way, I learned a few things about myself. The most enlightening, and what caused me to cry for over an hour, was that I have several dreams in which I just want to matter to someone. I want to be the most important person in someone's life and I want to have someone who is the most important person in mine. That was eye-opening. I have always known I wanted love, I didn't realize how completely isolated and alone I was until reading that list. While it was difficult to learn, I'm glad I did. It has convinced me to not give up. 
• Another incredible exercise was called The Dance. With every dream, there are things that we can do to help achieve it and things that we must surrender to the Universe. For each of our dreams, we had to list everything we could do and another list of everything we had to surrender in order to see that dream fulfilled. Knowing that not everything was up to me was an incredible feeling. I now have a list of everything I can do to achieve my dreams and for the things I can't control, I don't have to worry about them. The Universe will provide. I have only to do my part. I was feeling so overwhelmed before this exercise and so much more at peace after. 

We haven't completely finished our journey but I am thrilled for the experience so far. I will probably have one or two more posts about this because I want to capture some of the things I've learned. If you're interested in Mondo Beyondo, I encourage you to check out the website and I'd be happy to give you more information on my experience after the class is over. In the meantime, dream. Dream big. 

Fleeting Beauty

Another dream:

I was walking along a winding, narrow dirt path through a meadow. It was late in the afternoon on a fall day and the air glowed golden. The path took me to the top of a hill and as I reached it, I could see a wide expanse of land open up and a grove of trees in the distance. The path continued up and down the hillside and I followed it. At one point, I was at the bottom of the hill and the grove of trees was above and just in front of me. The leaves were the most amazing shades of reds, oranges, yellows and browns. With the sun at the angle it was, the trees looked like they were ablaze. It was the most brilliant visual image I've ever witnessed.

And I had no camera to capture it.

I ran back along the path to get my friend, David, and he followed me back with his camera. We arrived just as the sun was dipping behind the hill and the trees were in shadow. The colorful spectacle I had seen was gone.

I didn't ask for interpretation of this dream but it did cause me to think. I am going to remember to savor the little moments of beauty that life hands me and fully enjoy them while they last. They can be far too fleeting. 

And to always carry my camera. 

Interpretations and Aspirations

Wednesday morning I woke with the vivid remnants of a dream still playing in my mind. I immediately said something to online friends about it and one of them had an interpretation for me. I found it interesting so I wanted to capture it here.

What I remember of my dream:

I was in a town that reminded me of both Morton, Illinois and Portland, Maine and that I jokingly referred to as Mortland.  The entire dream I was trying to cross a busy street while wearing a huge white floppy-brimmed hat and carrying a large, unwieldy, purple drum lampshade.

The interpretation I received:

The white hat means that I am a good person but since it was so large it means I don't want attention. I am trying to carry the "light of equality" (purple lampshade) to the world but my efforts are frustrating and feeling blocked/ignored/difficult.

I'm going to think about that for a while. There must be a way across the street.

Here Again

Like last summer's favorite t-shirt from my dresser drawer, I reach into the darkest corner of my emotions and pull out something familiar. I sniff the lingering scent of the last time I wore it and my nose crinkles, my face distorts. I put it on, over and around me, feeling the weight of it on my shoulders. It instantly brings me down.

Unlike well-worn cotton, this feels scratchy and stiff. It used to be comfortable but something has happened since the last time. Something has changed. I have changed. Rather than feeling like this is an old friend, an emotional wardrobe staple, I view it as something I never wanted to wear again. 

And yet, I have it on.

I vow to only wear it until I find something new. Something that fits the new me. I want something that is as soft and gauzy, light and delicate as my dreams. Something that holds none of the emotional remnants of past seasons. 

I am looking for something that will soon feel as easy and comfortable as last summer's favorite t-shirt.

A Summer, Focused

In September I begin a course on courageous living with a life coach. Included in the welcome pack I received when I registered was an exercise that will be the first assignment of the session. She included it as something we students could think about and work on in the months leading up to class. I, being the type who always does her homework the minute it's assigned, have already taken it out and started mulling it over.

The assignment itself is simplistic in direction but overwhelming in nature. The goal is to decide three to five things I want to see shift as a result of the time the coach and other students will be working with me. The items can be tangible (save X dollars, write a poem, etc.) or intangible (feel more energetic, improve communication with a friend, etc.) 

At least a dozen things spring to mind immediately when I read the assignment so it isn't that I can't think of anything to fill the page, it is that I want to make sure I choose the right ones. Since there can only be three to five items on the list, they should be ones that require help from a supportive community to attain, will lay the foundation for future changes and will have significant impact on my life. It is going to take some time to evaluate everything and determine the best choices.

 * * * 

mollykath's article on her life list inspired me. On my previous blog I had started a list of 100 Things that were goals I wanted to achieve before the end of my life. After reading mollykath's post I read back over mine. It was satisfying to see that I had crossed off an impressive number of them but some of the remaining items already seemed dated and foolish, even in this short amount of time. 

I would like to begin another list, a Life List, on this site and try to find things that will help others, improve the world and bring me joy. There won't be a predetermined number of items but whatever is on the list will have been thoughtfully and carefully considered before adding. I'm excited about setting new goals.

 * * * 

I read this blog post from my BlackBerry while standing in line at the store and before even reaching the mid-point, I was standing in line at the store, with tears rolling down my cheeks. Jenny is someone who is not often serious in her posts but when she is, she is one of the most poignant, straight to the heart writers out there. I thanked her for writing this post and I intend to keep the spirit of the red dress with me. And I am determined to find my own red dress, figuratively or literally. And wear the hell out of it, as Jenny said.

 * * * 

In random conversations with various people about topics not even remotely related, it dawned on me that I need to write my future. I'm the storyteller, right? Maybe I can't picture it perfectly yet and maybe I don't have every facet understood but I know how I want my future to feel. I am not able to close my eyes and see me in it, but I can feel it in my heart. I am going to try to put those emotions on paper and hopefully the words will begin to form shapes and those shapes will begin to form pictures and soon, I will see my future again.

 * * *

These are the things I will be digging into this summer. You may read some of my thoughts here, some you may not. How much I share will depend on what my soul-searching uncovers. I'm excited to get started, a bit nervous about what I may learn and willing to face it bravely, regardless. 

Opening Up

I had a dream about riding a train the other night and it was not too hard to figure out that it was the train I will be taking to Chicago in just a few weeks. In the dream, I had found a seat, remarkably in a quiet, uncrowded area of the train, and was sitting alone, deeply engrossed in a book before we left the station.

Before long we had arrived at the first stop on the route. A woman boarded and sat beside me. I was irritated because there were plenty of other open seats and I did not want to be disturbed. She did not seem to notice and just smiled and began to talk to me. I answered her questions curtly, shifted my body to face the window and went back to my book. 

At the next station, a man boarded, sat directly across from me (in one of those horrible backward-facing seats that make me feel sick) and he, too, wanted to talk. Now, I had both of them asking me questions, talking with each other and to me, and I could no longer concentrate on my book, let alone ignore them. 

I put away the book, straightened myself in my seat and began to take an interest in their conversation. Soon I found myself drawn to these people, interested in their stories and wanting to get to know them better. We were laughing and chatting when the train made the next stop and a couple boarded. They were drawn to our little group and joined in our conversation as though we had all been pals for life.

This continued throughout the journey into the city. The train made stop after stop and at each one, someone even more interesting and colorful and vibrant joined our group. We were all fast friends by the time the train pulled into Union Station and we quickly decided to spend most of the weekend together, shopping, dining out, and sightseeing. 

I woke with a positive feeling about the dream, though in real life, I probably would have felt awkward and shy around so many strangers. I laid in bed for quite a while thinking about it and I think it was telling me to be more open to new people and new situations. I have a tendency to shut down and shut out the world when I am anxious, angry or uncertain. The dream reminded me that trying something new and giving others a chance may be exactly what I need and could, in the end, make me happy. 

I am looking forward to finding opportunities to 'put away my book and join in the conversation' around me. And, I am really looking forward to boarding that train.

Last One Standing

The reason I started the New Endings website was to capture this part of my life, in which I feel poised to make some significant changes. I have dreams and goals that haunt me day and night and I am desperately trying to determine what steps I need to take next in order to realize them. I have had the tough discussions with myself about what I am willing to do, how much I am willing to sacrifice, to what extent I am willing to go and I feel like I am on the verge of something pretty wonderful.

Except.

I am still at the starting gate. I have magnificent sketches of the future in my mind but no concrete foundations yet on which to build it. Last year, I identified two things I considered to be obstacles to reaching my goals and I have been working diligently on them. I am proud of the work I have done and can honestly say that I do not feel either is a roadblock any longer. Can I still improve? Yes, but nothing feels like it is standing in my way. Progress!

Except. 

I am still here. The way is clear but I have not yet moved forward. I have been frustrated and fretting over this for months. I waffle between 'I'll know when it is the right time' and 'Nothing is ever going to change.' I have been looking at opportunities, pursuing options, knocking on doors but I do not seem to be making the strides I want to be. It is clear that there must be one obstacle left.

So I have done what I probably should have done months ago (but maybe it was not the right time?) and have enrolled in a course with a life coach. The entire course is four eight-week sessions and the first starts in September. I am really looking forward to it. Some of you might think this is silly or misguided and that is your opinion to have. For me, I think this could be exactly what I need. It is not because I need someone else to say my feelings are valid, my goals are attainable, that I am worthy of what I work diligently to obtain because I have a multitude of loved ones who will do that for me. I am more interested in learning how and why I am standing in my own way. 

I am the last obstacle.