Dream Burritos and Spreadsheet Goals

I don't like letting go of dreams. It feels like giving up on a friend and failing myself all wrapped up together in a spicy burrito, then, eating that burrito and being up all night with heartburn. 

Dream death is hard on me, is what I'm saying. 

I've wanted to move for a long time now. It's all that has kept me hopeful and moving forward some days. But I need to let it go. All the signs are telling me this isn't the right time. For the first time on this street, houses are not selling easily. The neighborhood I wanted to move to hasn't had a decent listing since last summer. And, surprisingly enough, I've fallen back in love with my house. 

Maybe it was the mild winter that's morphed into an extended spring that is making everything around here seem ideal. Or, maybe my attitude has shifted. Whatever it is, I'm finding more and more reasons to stay. I love my yard. Where else am I going to find a yard with dozens and dozens of pines and birch trees, gorgeous flowers and shrubs, and a berm that vibrates with multitudes of birds and communities of squirrels and rabbits? I love my den that I converted from the small third bedroom at the top of the stairs. I've been in here most of the weekend, writing and reading and looking out at the rain splashing through the tree branches. I like that my neighbors are relatively quiet. I like the woodwork in this house. I like all the character in every angled wall. I love my gloriously large bedroom that can be sunny and bright or dark and cavelike, at my choosing. It's not my dream home, no, but it is a great home. 

So, I'm not moving this year. But, I have new goals and I'm more even more excited than I was about moving. Two hours this afternoon were spent on creating a spreadsheet, outlining all the steps, building a budget, and making timelines. You know it's a good goal when I get my nerd on. 

This feels huge. Important. And very, very right. 

Be happy for me. This is good. 

The Safety Dreams

If you've been reading here a while, you know that I want to buy a new home and get a new job in 2012. I've been working toward both goals for a little over six months. My home was made show-ready last year and as soon as the market picks up (please, God), there will be a For Sale sign in my front lawn. As far as the job goes, I've gone on seven informational interviews and found one job that I really thought I would love. I interviewed last month and have yet to hear back. So, I have put wheels in motion, at least.

But, if I am completely honest with myself, these aren't really the dreams I have for myself, and the longer it takes to make progress, the more I come back to that. These are my safety dreams... the things I can realistically achieve and not rock my life boat too much. Sure, they would be nice changes from what I have today but why am I not putting time and energy into what I really want? 

If you pray for wisdom, or ask for guidance from the Universe, or just get quiet and listen to that still small voice inside you, you've probably also begged for a sign that you were doing the right thing. I get that, we all need reassurance sometimes. What I don't understand is whether I'm being shown signs or if I'm creating signs, and, if that's really the same thing. 

I have been praying for wisdom and assurance that I'm doing the right thing. I have decided that if things go smoothly in finding a job, or buying a home, it is the right job or home for me. So, when something doesn't go smoothly, am I being given a sign or have I created the sign and... if so, isn't it a sign that deep down I know it isn't right and that's how I'm telling myself? Or, could it be my way of sabotaging the safety dreams so I'll finally change gears and go after my real dreams? 

Things like this keep my mind spinning for hours. 

And Now?

I perused the local real estate sites last night and found a house for sale that piqued my interest. It's a brick Cape Cod, with 2 bedrooms, 1 1/2 baths, wood floors and two fireplaces. It looks like a brick gingerbread house. Adorable. It's the right size, in the right location, at the right price. It needs a complete overhaul on the inside but it has good bones and I have a great contractor, so I'm not concerned about that. I drove by tonight after work to check out the neighborhood and was determined that if things didn't look too sketchy, I was phoning my realtor to schedule a showing. 

It's on a perfect block, you guys. 

It's one of those amazingly eclectic neighborhoods in which every house is a different style and they all ooze character and charm. All the yards were well maintained and while the houses are closer together than I would prefer in an ideal world, the lots were of a completely respectable size. 

I annoyed many a fellow driver by sitting in the street staring at it, let me tell you. 

So I was all excited about phoning the realtor and just as I pulled away, I saw it. You know that house that has been headlining my dreams for the past several years? It's two doors down from the one that's for sale. It's my cottage-style bungalow with the front porch. And no, it isn't for sale. 

Do I look at the Cape Cod and settle for pretty darn close to what I wanted? Or go to the dream house, knock on the door and make them an offer? I could go either way. 

Nothing on the Horizon

I'm sad to report that house hunting isn't going well. I've talked to a few people about the area I want to move to and they've all said the same thing: it's a great neighborhood, I would thoroughly enjoy living there and good luck finding a house in my price range. It's a strange area, indeed. Most homes are either million-dollar mansions or complete gut jobs in scary places. The precious few middle-of-the-road gems that I would be interested in rarely come on the market and when they do, you have to be ready to pounce. 

My legs are sore from being in this crouching position for so long.

I have started to overthink this (imagine that) and wonder if I'm being given a sign that maybe this particular move isn't for me. Maybe I'm meant to move but not where I thought. I'm trying to remain open and receptive but at the same time, not give up hope. It's a thin line I walk. 

How do you know when to hang in there and when to let go of a dream? It's a question I've never been able to answer gracefully and with full commitment. Have you any advice?

One-third Down

It's the first of May, believe it or not. This year is following in the footsteps of its predecessors and speeding by much too quickly. However, May is usually a month full of gorgeous blooming and leafing plants and a bit more consistent warm weather so I'm happy to see its arrival.

Today also marks the end of the first third of the year. It's a good time to take a look at the goals and dreams you set at the beginning of the year and make sure you're tracking to plan. I spent a few minutes with my vision board this morning and I feel very good about where my year is headed.  I had four themes on my board and three of them are well underway. The fourth needs a bit more focus but I work on it when opportunities arise. 

How about you? Are you feeling pretty good about your goals? If not, no worries, you still have plenty of time left in your year. The first of May is a wonderful day to start fresh, renew the commitments you made to yourself and get reenergized. We're lucky here that we're also in the midst of our spring season and that always helps motivate people into action. So, how do you feel? Are you ready to take on the next third of the year and meet some of your goals? What would you like to see accomplished by the time September rolls around? 

Mondo Beyondo

I've mentioned a few times that I'm participating in Mondo Beyondo and yet I've not really talked about what it is. First though, I should tell you about someone I greatly admire and who is the co-founder of Mondo Beyondo, Andrea Scher. 

I have been following Andrea's blog, Superhero Journal, for years. She is an artist and photographer who shares her journey through life eloquently and provides so much inspiration to me that I consider her a great friend, even though we've never met. More than once I have been struggling with some inner doubt or fear and I will turn to her blog and find she has written about the same thing that day. She has taught me a great deal about being compassionate to myself and I am grateful. She and her blog feel like my own personal gift from the Universe.

When I first learned about her Mondo Beyondo endeavor, I was too afraid to register. It sounded far too cool for someone like me and I sat out. The next time it was offered I tried to register but it was full or I had missed the deadline or something and I sat out again. I now understand that this was how it was meant to be. I wasn't ready emotionally for where the Mondo Beyondo journey was going to take me. This year, I am. And this year, when I went to register, I got in. Just as it was meant to be. 

Mondo Beyondo, as the website states, is all about turning dreams into reality. It wasn't until the last year that I realized how few dreams I had. I believed that I couldn't dream or shouldn't dream of things I really wanted because I didn't deserve them. But, you know what? I do deserve a life that fulfills me and I do deserve love and I do deserve joy. So that's exactly what I'm dreaming for in my Mondo Beyondo experience.

I won't take you through every step of the process because I recommend you just take the course yourself, but I will tell you what has stood out for me so far. 

• We sat one night and brainstormed dreams. Just sat, pen on paper for two ten-minute blocks of time, writing every dream, large or small, crazy or not, that came to mind. I was overwhelmed with how many dreams I had for my life. Some of them are quite grand, others completely obtainable, but I had never seen them all listed out like that before. It was amazing to see what my life could become if I trust that everything will happen. 
• It was several days later that we returned to our list of dreams and began to categorize them by how they were challenging us. Some would require us to be more vulnerable, others more brave. Some required more flexibility, and others required us to be more open and others still, trusting. In looking at my list this way, I learned a few things about myself. The most enlightening, and what caused me to cry for over an hour, was that I have several dreams in which I just want to matter to someone. I want to be the most important person in someone's life and I want to have someone who is the most important person in mine. That was eye-opening. I have always known I wanted love, I didn't realize how completely isolated and alone I was until reading that list. While it was difficult to learn, I'm glad I did. It has convinced me to not give up. 
• Another incredible exercise was called The Dance. With every dream, there are things that we can do to help achieve it and things that we must surrender to the Universe. For each of our dreams, we had to list everything we could do and another list of everything we had to surrender in order to see that dream fulfilled. Knowing that not everything was up to me was an incredible feeling. I now have a list of everything I can do to achieve my dreams and for the things I can't control, I don't have to worry about them. The Universe will provide. I have only to do my part. I was feeling so overwhelmed before this exercise and so much more at peace after. 

We haven't completely finished our journey but I am thrilled for the experience so far. I will probably have one or two more posts about this because I want to capture some of the things I've learned. If you're interested in Mondo Beyondo, I encourage you to check out the website and I'd be happy to give you more information on my experience after the class is over. In the meantime, dream. Dream big. 

Fleeting Beauty

Another dream:

I was walking along a winding, narrow dirt path through a meadow. It was late in the afternoon on a fall day and the air glowed golden. The path took me to the top of a hill and as I reached it, I could see a wide expanse of land open up and a grove of trees in the distance. The path continued up and down the hillside and I followed it. At one point, I was at the bottom of the hill and the grove of trees was above and just in front of me. The leaves were the most amazing shades of reds, oranges, yellows and browns. With the sun at the angle it was, the trees looked like they were ablaze. It was the most brilliant visual image I've ever witnessed.

And I had no camera to capture it.

I ran back along the path to get my friend, David, and he followed me back with his camera. We arrived just as the sun was dipping behind the hill and the trees were in shadow. The colorful spectacle I had seen was gone.

I didn't ask for interpretation of this dream but it did cause me to think. I am going to remember to savor the little moments of beauty that life hands me and fully enjoy them while they last. They can be far too fleeting. 

And to always carry my camera.