The Burden

The little boy sat straight up in his chair, quiet and unflinching. His eyes were staring at a point on the wall but it was clear that his mind was elsewhere... his happy place, his 'anywhere but here' place. 

He couldn't have been more than nine years old, his sister maybe seven. She was restless, dancing in place, leaning on first one parent and then the other, running to the window and back again. She was scolded more than once but it barely phased her. She would halt for a moment and then dance off again as soon as she knew the others were distracted.

Her parents were standing, one on either side of the boy, talking over his head as parents often do. They were arguing in tones that ranged from hushed to embarrassing. I was seated just to the side, not wanting to eavesdrop but having no choice. I was told to sit and wait so I was sitting and waiting. And listening. 

"Have his eyes really changed that much? Can't he get by with the glasses he has?"

"Yes, his vision has changed, the doctor said so. Plus, he's told us he can't see the front of the classroom. He needs new contacts, too."

"No! Not glasses and contacts! One or the other. We can't afford both, we can't even afford one! Not with the new truck and my fishing trip coming up. You know our insurance doesn't cover this."

The mother sighed.

The father glared. 

The daughter danced.

The son stared.

Oh Christmas Tree

I was watching a Christmas special on HGTV the other day and this woman had collected ornaments for her Christmas tree from all over the world during her travels. The designer, who had a specific theme in mind for the woman's house, looked a little dismayed that she wanted to use them on the tree that she had so specifically planned but she allowed it, because after all, the woman was the client. The tree ended up looking beautiful with the designer's color scheme and the woman's ornaments but most importantly, it evoked an emotional response from the family because the tree represented their lives and memories.

When I was a child, our Christmas tree was not magazine photo-spread worthy by any designer's standards but it was beautiful because it held ornaments that my sister and I had made, our parents had given us, some that we had given them and some from friends. It was eclectic and probably a bit messy, since we girls were allowed to help decorate, and we loved it.

My tree this year is pretty. It isn't big, at only five feet tall, and it isn't overly adorned as I had given away all my Christmas things last year before the holidays, but it works nicely in the corner of my small upstairs den. It's sparsely but elegantly decorated. It has no garland, no tinsel, no ribbons or beads, not even a topper. I've inserted branches of pine cones and berries in among the fir boughs so it has a little more depth and added shiny icicles, sparkling starbusts, jingling miniature wreaths and the classic glass balls. Everything on it is red, green and gold and the lights are white. It's perfectly symmetrical, balanced in it's placement of colors and ornaments and yet...

It's missing the memories. There are no "Remember when..." stories to be told every year as each precious ornament is lifted out of it's storage box and unwrapped. There are no moments of reminiscence and silent thoughts of times and people and events past. There is no exclamation of joy as a favorite ornament is rediscovered each year. 

I love this tree. It has stood beside me over the past month, shedding light over my late night writing, offering solace during multiple bouts of loneliness and welcomed me home after a long day. It's time to love my life again and start bringing home memories to cherish, whether they be in ornament, photograph or some other form. I've had this thought for a long time that my life was "some day" and it isn't. My life is today, whether I think I'm where I want to be or not. Whether I'm with someone or not. I owe myself, and the tree, memories that I will want to keep for years to come.

Happy

Today is my birthday. I would like to say that it started in some out of the ordinary, once-a-year way but it hasn't. It has started with multiple expressions of love and kindness and generous wishes for all that is best for me from my friends and family here and around the world.

So, yeah, pretty much a normal day. 

Am I incredibly blessed or what?  :D

* * * 

I spent a few extra moments in bed this morning, thinking back over the year. Two things stood out to me and for which I am incredibly grateful.

• Last year I was happy on my birthday because someone else told me he loved me. This year I'm happy because I love me. The difference between the two takes my breath away. And who knows? Maybe next year I'll have both.
• This has been a year of incredible loss for me. Between the break-up, the break-in and the loss of friends to cancer and other causes, I have lost more than I would have thought I could bear. But what I've gained has been even greater. My perspective and priorities have been forever altered and I have a core of inner strength I didn't have a year ago. 

I was trying to decide what my birthday wish for the next year was going to be but I thought, would I have wished for the year I've had? Never. But even with it's darkest moments, it's been one of the best years of my life. Maybe it's best to just wish for the wisdom and strength to always be able to make the most of what comes my way, good or bad. There is no other choice.  

Lest I Forget

Sometimes I know I must sound depressed or lost or maybe even angry about where I am in my life. Sometimes I am. I am not comfortable with all the uncertainty and decision making and "what am I going to be when I grow up?" conversations I still have in front of me. It is not that I want my entire life mapped out but if I just knew which direction I was headed... that would be keen.

But I am also incredibly grateful. I have a job that grants me a nice lifestyle. I lack nothing I need and very little I want. I am able to put money away for retirement, give to charity and take nice trips. My health is great, my body does whatever I ask of it, with very little complaint, and my mind has not failed me yet. *knock wood*

Most of all, I am surrounded by the most amazing people. Though the tension at work supersedes everything else, everyone around me is a good person. We are just unfortunately on opposite sides of the issues most of the time. My family, though I do not spend as much time with them as I should, are always there for me. My friends are of the highest quality. I could not ask for a better support system. I am especially thankful for you here, who read, comment and support. The gift of your time means so much. 

I am incredibly lucky, incredibly grateful. Let none of us lose sight of that.

In what ways are you lucky? What makes you grateful?

The Power of a Smile

I watched a mother interacting with her two young sons this weekend and I have not been able to stop thinking about them since. The boys, probably ages 2 and 4, were very well behaved, although she did have to ask them to speak more quietly and not toss their hats and coats on the ground a couple of times. It was probably a rather normal occurrence in the life of this mother and many other mothers around the globe. What I found captivating was her demeanor.

This woman always looked at her boys with a smile, on her face and in her eyes. Even while asking them to change their behavior she smiled. Her face glowed as she looked into their eyes and talked to them. Any casual observer could see the love she had for them so her boys must have seen it too. 

I cannot get the picture of that from my mind. It was the most beautiful thing I had seen in quite a while. 

Smiling has been the subject of many studies over the years and it is believed that it has many positive effects on us, including lowering blood pressure, releasing endorphins, changing our mood and boosting the immune system. That is what it does for the person smiling but I think its effects are felt even more strongly by the person being smiled upon. If you have ever walked into a room and had someone you love light up upon your arrival you know what I mean. How wonderful for those little boys to see and feel their mother's love constantly. In fact, without those looks of love, her words of love would no doubt sound hollow.

It has often been said that it is with our actions that we speak most loudly. May we all try to be a little more like that mother and show our loved ones how much we care with every look.