The Fear

"Well, you've finally done it. You're officially more trouble than you're worth."

He didn't mean it. He was joking with me in response to me telling him about going vegan. I laughed with him, joked about one of his more annoying qualities and we hung up the telephone with the usual goodbyes and miss yous. He's one of my closest friends and if he knew that comment still rattled around my brain, bringing tears to my eyes, he would feel horrible. 

It only hurts because it's been an underlying fear that I've had ever since making this decision; since becoming a vegetarian four years ago, really. I never know how people are going to react when they know that sometimes special accommodations have to be made if I'm going to go out to lunch, come over for dinner or travel with them. It should be easier than it is but a good 75% of the time, it's difficult. And that percentage was just from being vegetarian. I expect it to be closer to 90% or more being vegan.

I've never been sent a wedding invitation that asks if I prefer chicken, beef or a vegetable kabob. I've had to turn down work lunches because after perusing the selected restaurant's online menu, I know there's nothing there I can eat. How many holiday dishes can you name that don't contain cream, butter, milk, eggs, sour cream, gelatin or mayonnaise? Forget about the turkey or ham sitting in the middle of the table, I can't even eat the side dishes. 

I know he didn't mean it. He was teasing me just like he's always teased me and if I wanted to go to lunch with him, he'd make sure that we went somewhere with options for me on the menu. It's not my close friends that I'm worried about. It's everyone else. 

For instance, I have two all day workshops planned later this year that will involve traveling with strangers and stopping for at least one meal, if not two. How do I voice an opinion on where to eat if I don't know the area? Why should my minority vote count, anyway? Do I bring my own food and sit outside and eat by myself? Or sit at the table sipping a glass of water, sneaking almonds from my bag? 

I was worried about Girls Weekend this year. Thank goodness, Denise has an adventurous spirit and a love of new foods because she's actually excited about trying new vegan restaurants this time around. I hate that I can't go to all the great food places she'd probably love to go to but I love that she's willing to venture to new places and try new foods with me. She's made the whole planning of the weekend seem like a treasure hunt. 

David is the same way. He's 100% behind me and supportive of my decision. Thankfully, he'll be with me on those all day workshops and will understand if I'm sitting at the table, sneaking almonds. I guess I'm just afraid of alienating people and alienating myself. I don't need to be even more alone. And I certainly don't want to be the one who is "more trouble than she's worth." 

What Is the Point?

We were the only ones sitting in the coffee shop. Others walked in, ordered and left again but we were the only two who decided to take a seat and watch for a while. I love sitting at one of two tables in that shop. One gives me a view of the main street and a glimpse of the park; the other, an only slightly-obstructed view of the kitchen and the coffee bean storage room. I love peeking in that room. Huge burlap bags of beans lying around like relatives after Thanksgiving dinner... prone, still and a bit bloated. If I liked coffee, that room would be my idea of heaven.

That morning I had chosen the table by the window. It was a busy day and the lure of passersby was just too appealing. I didn't even pull out my phone or journal, I just sat transfixed by what was moving past the window. He had chosen a table on the other side of the room, but since the room is only about ten feet across we were well within conversational distance. I felt him watching me for a few minutes, while I watched the world outside, and then turned to ask him if this town was his home. It wasn't, we were both just pulled here for different reasons that morning but that was enough of an opening that he walked over and sat down with me. We sat in companionable silence, watching. 

Finally he asked a question. I answered and asked him another question. We vollied back and forth for a while, the traffic on the street temporarily forgotten. He asked what I did for fun. I rattled off the standard response of hobbies and then threw out, "And, I'm a writer." Without missing a beat he said with a bit of a chuckle, "Really? I've always hated reading. I just don't see the point." Without missing a beat, I excused myself to get a refill of my herbal tea. As I made my way past the table and to the door, I held up my watch and said, "I have to go. Have a good day." 

He was left to watch through the window as I became just another figure walking by, walking away. If asked why I didn't stay, sadly, I just didn't see the point.

Wanted: My Tribe

In the spirit of "Ask and ye shall receive," I'm just going to put this out there and see what comes of it:

I want friends.

If you know me at all, that sounds ridiculous and a bit selfish because I have the best friends on the planet. I have tried and true decades-long friendships and other supportive relationships well on the way to the same milestones. I work with kind people, have good-hearted neighbors and a generous family that is always there for me when I need them. I’m not lacking people who understand and love me. My support system is strung from California to The Netherlands, from Canada to Australia and back again.

But what I don't have are friends who are right here, who don't have family obligations or possessive partners or who I don't have to take a day off to see. I need a small group of friends right here who are available for after work trips to the coffee shop, weekend brunches and last minute movie matinees. I've tried joining clubs, groups and classes but so far, I haven't had any luck. Now, I'm sending it out to the Interwebs.

I want friends.

Beautiful Day

Today is my best friend's birthday and the first day of Spring. That is as perfect a pairing as 'Joan & David' or 'mani & pedi'. They simply go together.

This is a milestone birthday for my friend and fitting that it coincide with the start of the season of rebirth and growth. I have no doubt that she will enter this new phase of her life with her trademark energy and creativity and make something beautiful from it.

If I could wish her one thing, on this most auspicious day, it would be that she receive as much joy and kindness as she gives. 

Happy birthday, my friend! 

Faking It

'Tis the season for holiday parties and concerts and plays and I couldn't feel less like participating. If I had my way, I would go to bed right now and hibernate until the spring thaw. I'm not sure what's wrong, if it's emotional or physical, but I'm exhausted and sad and a little cranky. 

I'm not hibernating, however. I am forcing myself to go and do, see and be seen, even if it hurts and even if I have to leave to find a place where I can fall apart and even if I can't get through the day without yawns so big they threaten to unhinge my jaw. Part of me wonders if I'm doing the right thing, pushing myself, but I know sitting at home and moping isn't helping anything. 

I'm doing things because I think I should, not because I want to. Or I know that once I go I'll have a good time and I could really use some good times. I miss my friends, old and new, and sitting at home grieving over being alone isn't a productive use of time. 

So I continue to schedule events I don't want to attend and smile my way through times when I don't feel it. Sometimes I get lucky and fake my way right into joy. Those times are precious. Those times are what I cling to when I'm falling apart. Those are the times that let me know I'm going to be just fine. 

'Tis just the season. 

Happy

Today is my birthday. I would like to say that it started in some out of the ordinary, once-a-year way but it hasn't. It has started with multiple expressions of love and kindness and generous wishes for all that is best for me from my friends and family here and around the world.

So, yeah, pretty much a normal day. 

Am I incredibly blessed or what?  :D

* * * 

I spent a few extra moments in bed this morning, thinking back over the year. Two things stood out to me and for which I am incredibly grateful.

• Last year I was happy on my birthday because someone else told me he loved me. This year I'm happy because I love me. The difference between the two takes my breath away. And who knows? Maybe next year I'll have both.
• This has been a year of incredible loss for me. Between the break-up, the break-in and the loss of friends to cancer and other causes, I have lost more than I would have thought I could bear. But what I've gained has been even greater. My perspective and priorities have been forever altered and I have a core of inner strength I didn't have a year ago. 

I was trying to decide what my birthday wish for the next year was going to be but I thought, would I have wished for the year I've had? Never. But even with it's darkest moments, it's been one of the best years of my life. Maybe it's best to just wish for the wisdom and strength to always be able to make the most of what comes my way, good or bad. There is no other choice.  

NaNoWriMo: The Mid-Point

Can I just tell you how much more I’m enjoying NaNoWriMo this year than last year? There are many factors but the most important is that I love my story this year. The inspiration for it didn’t even come to me until the day before NaNoWriMo began so I jumped into this with no real planning, no back stories, no “world,” but I knew the conflict I wanted to portray and I’ve just been building on that. Right now, I have the first half of the story fully outlined so I know how I’m going to get to the pivotal point of the story and then… well, then the characters are going to have to lead me to the ending. I have no idea how it’s going to end and that makes me giddy. 

I love how the story has matured in the first fifteen days. Going into it, I thought the story was going to be told from one character’s point of view but now I know it is clearly the story of two people. Right now, one character is the primary focus and will be up to the crest of the story arc and then the other will take the focus as the story works toward resolution.

Another reason I’m enjoying it more is that I’m not as alone as I was last year. Not only do I have a larger band of cheerleaders on Twitter this year, I’m also attending the weekend write-ins of the Peoria-area NaNoWriMo’ers. I get to sit in local coffee shops with amazing fellow writers and feel spurred on by all the inspirational writing energy in the room. We also have our own Facebook group so we can connect outside the write-ins and it’s been great fun. They are good people.

The final reason is my own attitude. Last year, I was in a do or die mood, I wanted to get the story written, cross the 50,000 word finish line as quickly as I could and move on to something else. My only goals last year were to see if I could do it and see what 50,000 words looked like. This year, I’m enjoying the process of writing. I’m enjoying not knowing where scenes may end up or how my characters are going to react. I’m enjoying not even caring if I “win” or not. This year it’s all about telling this story that I need to tell, learning more about my own writing style, meeting others who share this passion and having fun with it. So, from that perspective, I’ve already won.

At the mid-point of the month, I had wanted to have written somewhere around 25,000-30,000 words, just to make sure I was pacing myself correctly and not going to feel stressed at any point during the month. I am currently at just over 35,000 words so I should be on target to finish the month without any late-night writing cramming sessions, which is great. Not that I would do that anyway, because the goal isn’t to win but to enjoy, but it’s nice to know I should be able to do both.

Wishing much luck to my NaNoWriMo’er friends and sending my heartfelt appreciation to those of you cheering me on this year. It’s great to have you there when I lift my eyes from the page. It means so much to not feel alone at something that is very much a solitary activity. Thank you!

Girls' Weekend 2010

This past weekend was our fifth annual girls' weekend in Chicago. We didn't spend as much time away as in years past but we crammed in just as much fun and definitely as many laughs. I think Girls' Weekend 2010 is best captured in two conversations.

At dinner Saturday night. A woman and her friends are escorted past our table on the way to their own. The woman is scantily clad in a dress that has very little front, even less skirt and no back. 

Me, upon seeing the woman: "Oh my stars. Seriously?"

D, looking up at my remark and catching a glimpse of the woman herself:  "Is she kidding with that? Really, seriously?"

We both continue to stare, dumbfounded by what we've just witnessed.

Me: "I don't know about you but I wear more than that to bed."

D: "There are times I wear more than that to shower."

I proceed to giggle until tears are streaming down my cheeks. And, this is Reason #462 why D should have a blog.

******

Sunday night, on the phone with a friend after returning home. 

H: "So how was your girls' weekend?"

Me: "It was great. I fell for a 23 year old street performer and a $180 hat."

H: "So, just your typical weekend in Chicago."

Me: "Yeah, pretty much."

H: "You are so predictable. Which one did you end up bringing home?"

Me: "Neither!"

H: "Whoa... I would have lost that bet."

Find the Beauty Friday - Oh Baby

It was easy to find beauty in this week. Early Monday morning it arrived in the form of an amazing and healthy baby boy. My dear friend, Denise, the other half of the infamous annual Girls' Weekends and also a commenter here on New Endings, gave birth to a miracle that we will call, Baby B. She and her husband are completely smitten with the little guy and I could not be happier for them. 

 * * * 

Dear Baby B,

You do not realize it yet but you have just been given the two greatest gifts you will ever receive, in the form of your parents. They are two of the kindest, most generous, and most supportive people I have ever met. I can tell you from experience that they will be there for you, whatever you need, whenever you need, forever. That is who they are.

There are so many wonderful things you will learn from your parents but if I could suggest...  

Get in the kitchen with your mother. Even if you choose to never pick up a spatula, just be there and watch her. I have never met anyone who gets more joy from cooking and gadgets and methods and food. Just do not stand between her and anything in the dipping sauce family. She is crazy for the dipping. (If you ever get in really hot water with her, buy her sour cream. Trust me on this.)

Your father will probably wear orange, buy orange and yell things like "Go Illini!" a lot. This is not uncommon for men in this area. Before you know it, you will be doing the same. Go with it and enjoy it. I have no doubt that some of your fondest memories later in life are going to be the hours you spend with him, in a crowded Assembly Hall, cheering on the team in orange. I know because I have the same memories with my father, except they involve listening to a radio tuned into a team called the St. Louis Cardinals. (You can look up what a radio is on the Internet when you are older.)

If you have the choice, learn geography from your father. Inherit your mother's ability to find her way anywhere. And if ever you are playing Trivial Pursuit with them and you do not know the answer to a question in the Entertainment category, guess Yanni. (Ask your father.)

Welcome to the world, little one. May all your days be filled with a bit of wonder, a bit of accomplishment, a bit of beauty and an abundance of love, laughter and joy. 

You are loved.

Auntie Debra

Lest I Forget

Sometimes I know I must sound depressed or lost or maybe even angry about where I am in my life. Sometimes I am. I am not comfortable with all the uncertainty and decision making and "what am I going to be when I grow up?" conversations I still have in front of me. It is not that I want my entire life mapped out but if I just knew which direction I was headed... that would be keen.

But I am also incredibly grateful. I have a job that grants me a nice lifestyle. I lack nothing I need and very little I want. I am able to put money away for retirement, give to charity and take nice trips. My health is great, my body does whatever I ask of it, with very little complaint, and my mind has not failed me yet. *knock wood*

Most of all, I am surrounded by the most amazing people. Though the tension at work supersedes everything else, everyone around me is a good person. We are just unfortunately on opposite sides of the issues most of the time. My family, though I do not spend as much time with them as I should, are always there for me. My friends are of the highest quality. I could not ask for a better support system. I am especially thankful for you here, who read, comment and support. The gift of your time means so much. 

I am incredibly lucky, incredibly grateful. Let none of us lose sight of that.

In what ways are you lucky? What makes you grateful?