My Story

I was talking to someone a few weeks ago about the dreams we have for our lives and we were visualizing the future when he turned the conversation around and wanted to know what I believed my story to be. Each of us has a story that we tell ourselves and it has a lot to do with our happiness and ability to successfully achieve our goals.

Examples of the stories we tell ourselves are things like: I'm always late. I can never remember names. I am no good at math. I never fit in. 

So, as he sat there patiently, I took a deep breath and told my story. 

I am no good at socializing in large groups. I'm book smart but have no common sense. I am too quiet and reserved. I'm a klutz. I think too much. I'm not spontaneous enough. I'm no fun. 

He sat there for a minute, took my hand and asked me what the rest of my story was. I wasn't sure what he meant, wasn't that enough? He prompted me with, "You're the one everyone relies on. You're the organized one." Oh, yeah. Funny, I didn't even think about that aspect of my story. I don't tend to remember or believe the positive things about myself but man, those negative things jumped right out.

He asked me how my story was written. Part of it I could remember. Incidents from childhood, school years... but some I couldn't remember. It just always was. He said he would bet that most, if not all, my story was written by other people. One witnessed incident, one thoughtless nickname or joking insult, and the next thing you know, you're carrying the weight of someone else's reality for you. 

Then he told me to forget that story. I could change my story to be whatever I wanted it to be. The important thing to remember was, The Story always comes before The Reality. 

By the end of the day, I had rewritten my story. I'm proud to say I know exactly when and by whom my story was written now. I'm living a new story, in a new reality, and nowhere in it am I a klutz. 

What's your story? 

In Flux

I've heard the phrase, "so-and-so is in a state of flux," all my life. Given the context it was always uttered in, I assumed that it meant the person was facing tremendous change or indecision. It rarely seemed like a positive experience but it also always had a temporary feel to it, as if even in the midst of it, the person knew it would end.

When I was trying to think of how to describe what I've been going through lately, that phrase leapt to mind. And being the lover of words and phrases and their meanings, as I am, I decided to look up what its common definition is. 

However, I typed in the search term incorrectly. I typed in "in flux" instead of "in a state of flux." When the meaning wasn't really close to what I had always assumed it was, I looked again at what I had entered and saw the mistake and corrected it.

According to the freedictionary.com, "in a state of flux" means: "a state of uncertainty about what should be done." So, I was right. But it didn't really ring true once I read it. I don't feel uncertain about what to do. And I hope this isn't temporary. So I went back to the meaning for "in flux."

According to dictionary.com, "in flux" means: "the act of flowing in; the place at which one stream flows into another or into the sea."  Yes, that's more like it. I am doing more, experimenting more, and going more than I have in years. I am trying on activities like I try on shoes... randomly and with abandon. I'm keeping those I like, that feel good and discarding the others. I'm not analyzing any of it. If it feels like something I can walk in, I keep it. I'm keeping the things that fit.

I am experiencing in flux. 

Finally.

Thirteen

Yesterday was my service anniversary at work. It is one of those milestone days, like my birthday, that always causes me to stop and reflect. I like looking back over the years to see how things have changed because it reminds me that even though I may not see differences from day to day, my life isn't stagnant. At times, it's even flourishing.

Thirteen years ago I was ‘over the moon’ excited about going to work at a Fortune 100 corporation. A friend and I had written a research paper our senior year at college about this company and by the time we were done we knew everything from its founding fathers to its current product line. Both of us wanted to work for a company with such a great reputation for integrity and quality. We both succeeded and started here on the same day. I loved everything about the job, especially the commute (seven minutes if I had to sit through the red light). 

I remember I wore suits almost every day. Even when I was told that it wasn’t necessary, that the corporate culture had relaxed into business casual quite a while before, I still wore suits. They made me feel like what I contributed mattered and made me feel more confident than I felt most days. 

The first project I was placed on was huge. It was a multi-year, multi-million dollar effort that impacted every other team in our business unit. The coordination, change and communication efforts dwarfed the monstrous software development effort several times over. I remember feeling like I was part of something that really mattered, that some day what we were doing would be called out as significant on the corporation’s timeline of achievements. All I could see was a future of promise and opportunity. 

Thirteen years later my workday bears no resemblance to the first one. I’ve had ten different jobs and five salary grade bumps since then. I’ve sat in 13 desks in six buildings in three cities. The friend I started with chose to leave the company last year and even though we never worked together, I miss her. My commute is still great though, just twenty minutes unless the construction crews are out.

I haven’t worn a suit to work in years, not since I led a project that required me to address all our marketing vice presidents every quarter. These days I wear nothing but business casual. Some days, even jeans. I can because I am confident that what I contribute matters. I don’t need my wardrobe to hold me up anymore. And that huge first project I was on? The software we developed is already considered legacy and is being replaced by another multi-year, multi-million dollar development effort. The circle of life in technology.

The role I play now is called significant. It impacts and integrates with every other team in our business unit and throughout many others in the enterprise. The coordination, change, communication, negotiation and conflict resolution skills I have had to acquire dwarf several times over what few software development skills I had at one time. I enjoy being part of something that leaders in the company feel brings value. 

It's been a long thirteen years that have gone by in an instant. If you asked me where I will be thirteen years from now, I couldn't say. I do know that the future still holds promise and opportunity. How it unfolds is yet to be seen.