Why Not Happily?

Author's Note: I'm using the word 'happy' in this post because that was the word used in the conversation with my friend but I really mean 'joy.' For me, having joy is internal. It is to have a positive spirit, an upbeat outlook on life, and always remembering that bad times will pass. Being happy is a circumstantial feeling that is a reaction to external conditions and is often quite fleeting. So, there you go and please read on... 

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When I reinstated my Twitter account, a friend sent a tweet that said, "And, she's back!" I responded with a not quite so cheery, "Yes, not happily, but I am back." He replied, "Why not happily?" and then... well, then that is when the brick hit me between the eyes.

Why not happily, indeed.

If I made the decision to rejoin Twitter (and other social media), why was I acting as though someone had a gun to my head? I made the decision based on reasons that mattered to me and acted on it. It was my call. Just like it was my call to quit in the first place. So, why was I intent on being miserable about it? Why was that even a valid response? It was at that moment that I turned around my attitude and decided to enjoy social media again, still retaining my view that it shouldn't be more important than, or take time away from, 'real life' interactions and relationships. Thankfully, I have that balance again.

Of course, this applies generally to everything, doesn't it? Life is little more than decisions made and actions taken. If we are not being manipulated, coerced, or otherwise tortured into them, we should embrace the decisions we've made, secure in the knowledge that we made the best ones we could, given the situation and information in front of us. Not every decision may make us happy but still, if it's for the best, we should appreciate that.

Very few of us enjoy going to the office when it's a gorgeous day outside. But, we made a decision to work at an office job and abide by the employer's stipulations that to be paid, we must show up. So, does it make sense to grouse about all day, bemoaning the fact that you aren't outside? Do you get any more minutes of sunlight in a day you were grumpy versus a day you were pleasant?

If you aren't happy in your job regardless of the weather, that's different. Or, is it? We are all free to make another decision to quit, or choose a new profession, or move into a tent out West and live off the land, and if we feel we can't do those things for whatever reason (economy, geography, family obligations, fear of snakes, etc.), well, then, that's a decision, too, isn't it?

I guess my long-winded point is, there are so few days in our lives as it is, it just doesn't make sense to spend any more of them in pain or heartache or sadness than absolutely unavoidable. Our attitude is the one thing we have control over so why not choose to have a good one?

Debra, I hope you're listening while you're writing.

Because I Can't Talk About What's On My Mind...

An owl moved into one of my trees a few weeks ago. He hoots early in the morning, before dawn has even broken, and again in the evenings, as the sun is setting. I imagine he sleeps through the heat of the day but I don't know. We haven't had a proper conversation, yet.

The windows are open tonight and I hear him, hoo-hoo-hooing as I'm writing, trying to get my attention, the bird equivalent of a child pulling on your pants leg. I respond every now and then, between thoughts, with my best imitation of a bird whistle, whip-poor-will. I don't hoot because owls are loners and I'm afraid he might move on if he thinks another owl lives close by. 

I feel for him. I understand wanting to live alone while at the same time wanting to be acknowledged. To be heard. It can be lonely out there on your own, sometimes. 

At least we have each other, my owl and I. 

Soundtrack of My Life, #02

This week will be more easily tolerated with music, wouldn't you agree? Here are a few songs making the rounds on my playlists lately.

I love Janiva Magness' voice. This is a favorite song of mine from a couple of years ago but she also has a new album out that I'm going to have to purchase.



I didn't want to like this song because everyone else did... but it crept in and now I find myself singing Gotye's haunting refrain more often than not.



I have no idea why I love this song other than I tend to twirl when I dance to it. Twirling is good.



I'm falling in love with The Avett Brothers. The guy playing the piano and wearing the hat? My heart, she is his.



And, one guaranteed feel good song. Dance to this and try not to smile. IT CAN'T BE DONE.

Nothing to Wear

I feel like I'm at a crossroads and I have no idea what to do next. Do you ever feel like that? 

I got the call that I was expecting today but I didn't hear the message I had hoped. It tossed all my short-term dreams up in the air and I can hear nothing but the sound of them falling to earth and shattering around me. I had told myself that if this was the message I received, it meant that I needed to make some big changes... life-will-never-be-the-same changes. 

I wasn't expecting that. 

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Someone told me once that it must be nice to be me, unattached and child-free. The whole world must look like nothing but endless options. I thought about that for a while, and in the words of the television character, Adrian Monk, said, "It's a gift... and a curse." 

Remember those signs I was asking for? Well, I got one today (or I concocted one, the jury is still out) and I feel like I'm being pushed to make a decision but I can't even narrow down things enough to have only two choices in front of me. 

(Sorry for the vagueness but, you know, the Internet has big ears.)

Does it make sense to feel like you need to do something when you don't even know what that thing is? Where is the urgency and desire coming from? Is this one of those times life is going to force me to jump and have faith that the net will appear? 

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I mentioned that I bought some new clothes in the past month or so. This shouldn't be a big deal but other than a t-shirt or two, I hadn't bought anything new in about three years. And, in the past couple of years, I had given away about ten bags of clothes... so my wardrobe was quite minimal. 

Even so, in the past three years, I can't remember ever saying, "I have nothing to wear." With so few options and with very basic mix-and-match pieces, I didn't think about what I was going to wear, I just pulled something out of the closet and put it on. 

Last week, I found myself standng in my closet, head swimming, dangerously late for work, and muttering, "I have nothing to wear." 

I was shocked. How, when I had all these new beautiful clothes to wear, plus all my tried and true outfits, did I suddenly have nothing to wear? I realized, it wasn't that... I quite literally had more than I had ever had. What I was feeling was that overwhelming sense of drowning in options. I had too many clothing items to choose from and it made me powerless to choose anything. 

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Being me, like I said before, with no attachments, no children, is a gift and a curse. Sometimes the possibilities overwhelm me and I stand, as I did in my closet, with my head aching and my heart pounding, and feeling dangerously close to losing it. 

Rolling

In IT, you learn early how important it is to have a backout plan, the steps you're going to take if what you put into production doesn't work like you expected it to. Sometimes, you can undo what you did and remove all traces of your change and go back to status quo. Sometimes, you can make adjustments on the fly and go ahead with a slightly modified version of your original design. Sometimes, you find out there's nothing wrong with what you built, but the inputs from other systems are bad so you fix those instead. 

In IT, you plan for those scenarios, list out the steps you'll go through if faced with any of them, and understand the risks of doing one thing over another. You design for the best case and plan for the worst. It isn't a failure unless you let the unexpected get the best of you. 

That's how you roll in IT.

In life, we tend to have backup plans, rather than backout plans, but it's the same idea. If what we worked for so diligently doesn't pan out, there are always options. Our only failure is letting ourselves feel like failures if the path we started down is blocked. Life has a way of nudging us toward what is truly meant for us, if only we keep our eyes and hearts open to those Plan B's. 

That's how I choose to see the last week. It was one disappointing, depressing, deflating circumstance after another. The path I chose wasn't bad, it just wasn't right. I'm evaluating my options now and the more I do, the shinier they seem and the more hopeful I feel. 

That's how I roll. 

Soundtrack of My Life, #01

This started playing while I was running the other day and I loved the tempo. It's now a permanent member of my workout playlist.

Another favorite running/workout tune with a great beat...

...and another favorite song by NEEDTOBREATHE

I don't care how positive and hopeful and bright I feel, this song brings me to my knees, a sobbing mess, every single time. Yes, even just posting it, I'm wiping away tears.

And I can't not dance to this song. Can't not. Which makes driving difficult at times.

I'll admit it, Mayer Hawthorne is my latest music crush.

And, this is the sweetest video about forever love that I've seen in a long time.

What's playing in your life these days?

Out of Line

Do you know those wonderful moments in life when everything you do executes perfectly, you always find the right words and all you touch turns to gold? Some people say those are the times all your stars are aligned or you're on top of your game. You can do no wrong. Those are shining moments.

Well, I've not had one of those moments for a long while. Whatever the opposite of being on top of your game is, that's where I am. And I don't think any of my stars are even speaking to each other, let alone aligning. 

Lately, it feels like I've lost my ability to connect... with others, my work, myself. I'm struggling to be heard --no, I'm struggling to be understood-- and in the process, saying things that either alienate others or result in me having the distinct taste of shoe leather in my mouth. I'm reaching out and nobody's there. I try to give and get pushed aside. I feel like I'm in the way and that goes for being in my own way, too.

It's difficult, when so much of my life is communicating, to be in a slump like this. I feel like I need to try harder and yet in doing so, I tend to make things worse. So I back off and then people think I'm aloof or mad or something, but I don't know what they think because we aren't talking. 

I know this is just one of those unshining moments life tends to hand out once in a while and things will turn around but in the meantime, ouch. Just know that I'm aware of it and trying to get back into the groove but if any of you know anything about star wrangling, I'd be most appreciative.