Soundtracks of My Life

This started playing while I was running the other day and I loved the tempo. It's now a permanent member of my workout playlist.

Another favorite running/workout tune with a great beat...

...and another favorite song by NEEDTOBREATHE

I don't care how positive and hopeful and bright I feel, this song brings me to my knees, a sobbing mess, every single time. Yes, even just posting it, I'm wiping away tears.

And I can't not dance to this song. Can't not. Which makes driving difficult at times.

I'll admit it, Mayer Hawthorne is my latest music crush.

And, this is the sweetest video about forever love that I've seen in a long time.

What's playing in your life these days?

Out of Line

Do you know those wonderful moments in life when everything you do executes perfectly, you always find the right words and all you touch turns to gold? Some people say those are the times all your stars are aligned or you're on top of your game. You can do no wrong. Those are shining moments.

Well, I've not had one of those moments for a long while. Whatever the opposite of being on top of your game is, that's where I am. And I don't think any of my stars are even speaking to each other, let alone aligning. 

Lately, it feels like I've lost my ability to connect... with others, my work, myself. I'm struggling to be heard --no, I'm struggling to be understood-- and in the process, saying things that either alienate others or result in me having the distinct taste of shoe leather in my mouth. I'm reaching out and nobody's there. I try to give and get pushed aside. I feel like I'm in the way and that goes for being in my own way, too.

It's difficult, when so much of my life is communicating, to be in a slump like this. I feel like I need to try harder and yet in doing so, I tend to make things worse. So I back off and then people think I'm aloof or mad or something, but I don't know what they think because we aren't talking. 

I know this is just one of those unshining moments life tends to hand out once in a while and things will turn around but in the meantime, ouch. Just know that I'm aware of it and trying to get back into the groove but if any of you know anything about star wrangling, I'd be most appreciative. 

Failing

I need to learn how to fail. Well, that isn't completely true. I know how to fail. I fail at things regularly. I need to learn how to fail and not be crushed by it... how to shake things off and laugh at myself and not take setbacks so seriously. I don't fail well. 

I fail at failing. :)

I've started doing Morning Pages again this month and yesterday all this came bubbling out of me during my writing. (Morning Pages is a daily practice that Julia Cameron recommends in her book, The Artist's Way, in which the moment you wake up you open a notebook and write three full pages of whatever is in your mind. It clears the clutter and can provide inspiration in unexpected places. Like this blog post, for instance.)  I could see where this one aspect has impacted and directed and redirected my life over and over and over again. 

There are countless things I've never attempted because, oh my gosh, what if I can't do it well or what if I look like a fool or what if someone laughs at me? And, there have been countless other things I have tried and failed the first time and then become gun shy and refused to try again. I could have only needed practice or proper instruction or patience and been successful... but no, I couldn't risk failing again. 

Maybe it's my age or maybe it's my new attitude but I'm beginning not to care so much what other people think. Other people are just as inept at life as I am, as we all are, so why be concerned with their opinions? What's that old saying? "Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." That could apply here. People who love me will support me and those who don't love me... well, who cares? 

I'm going to INVEST time this year in trying new things (or, once-tried-but-failed things) and taking risks and reporting them back here so I can get used to failing with an audience and you can laugh with me. Then you can help pull me to my feet and I'll start all over again. 

Deal?

Touchstone Word 2011

My touchstone word for the new year found me soon after writing this post. I had a short list of possibilities, words that I thought I wanted to steer towards, but no, that isn't the way touchstone words work. They seek you out -- tapping you on the shoulder, whispering in your ear, tugging at your sleeve -- until you just have to take notice. Once you do, it's amazing how easily your intentions for the year just fall into place. That's how you know the right word was chosen.

Every year, my touchstone words have been verbs, action words. Most touchstone words are, from what I've read. That is by design. We are driven to change, grow, learn, explore (all good touchstone word choices, by the way) and touchstone words enable us to focus that energy. 

I've done a lot of searching the past couple of years. I had no idea what I wanted when I started and now I do. I've taken myself through personal journeys most people never attempt and I've loved every moment of it. I can see what it is I need to do and what I want to do and I am ready.

This year, my touchstone word is INVEST.

It's time to put my time, energy, resources and passion into the things that matter most. I can see this touching every area of my life, which is exactly what a touchstone word should do. It should be your guiding light, your compass, your touchstone in every situation.

• This year, I will INVEST in relationships that fulfill and uplift me, that make me feel that I am more instead of less. I will build stronger ties with people who matter and learn to let go of the people who do not. This includes investing in the relationship I have with myself. I will continue to make healthy choices so I can maintain my strong mind and body. I will love myself more, think of myself in a more positive light and cut myself some slack. 
• This year, I will INVEST in my personal growth and creative nature. I will continue with the self-exploration, learning to dream, dare and discover. I will laugh more and cry less. I will take chances, seek adventure and continue to be the brave person I have come to be. I will make time to explore my passions and improve the quality of my non-work time. I will write more stories, take more photos, create more recipes and generally find more ways to enjoy life. 
• This year, I will INVEST in the world around me. I will do my part to sustain this planet, care for people and animals who aren't in a position to care for themselves and try to bring joy wherever and whenever I can. 
• This year, I will INVEST in my career and financial future. This is an area in which I have always invested so it doesn't need as much attention, perhaps, as the others but as of today, I work for new management so it is a good time to dust things off, shake things up and expand my role. I want to enjoy my job for as long as I need to work. 

So, what does all that mean? It means the people and things that matter are going to matter more. It means every day will have a purpose. It means that the investment I'm going to make should reap a more bountiful, enjoyable and quality life. 

Let's go, 2011! 

My Vision

I've always been one of "those" people. You know the ones... the people who make lists and set goals and check things off. Making new year's resolutions has always been something I enjoy and, more often than not, I'm successful at meeting the challenges I set. Seeing things in black and white inspires and motivates me and I love tracking my progress throughout the year. 

You would think with having a pretty good track record, I wouldn't change it up but this year I am. I heard such good things from people who make vision boards that I decided to give it a try. Essentially, a vision board is a collage of pictures, quotations, and/or artwork that depicts what you would like to see for yourself in the future. It's a way to visualize the life you want a little more clearly than just what might be rattling around in your mind.

I've seen some people make a vision board that looks more like a letter to Santa, with pictures of houses and cars and boats and jewelry, etc. but that really isn't a vision board. It's broader and deeper than material things, at least in my mind.

To make my board, I sat down with a stack of magazines, a pair of scissors and an open mind. I didn't turn pages looking for anything, I just collected everything that spoke to me in that moment. I cut out pictures, phrases, slogans and sometimes just things in a particular color I liked. By the time I was through, I had quite an assortment of clippings.

The next step was to try to sort them into categories or themes. As it turned out, I had a lot of photos of women running or in yoga poses, beautiful pictures of colorful fruits, vegetables and grains (one of my magazines was a vegetarian food magazine), and one amazing photo of a woman lying in a hammock overlooking the ocean. It was evident that if those healthy and relaxing pictures spoke to me so strongly from the magazines that a healthy lifestyle is something I envision and want to incorporate even more into my life. 

I found two other pretty significant themes and one sub-theme in the photos I collected. Most of it wasn't too shocking, one of them was. Overall though, I think I learned more about myself in just those few hours than I ever would have sitting down to write out resolutions. 

After selecting my favorites from the photos I had, I glued them in a collage on a piece of poster board and hung it up in my den. I've looked at it every day since, sometimes taking it all in, sometimes focusing on a single area. Just to make sure I don't forget about it, I took a photo of the vision board and am using that as the wallpaper on my cell phone, too. It's there in front of me each of the 348 times a day I check my email, texts or Twitter. 

Whether I'm as successful in achieving my vision as I was with achieving my goals is yet to be seen. I learned a lot about me from the exercise of creating it so that was amazing and I have to admit, I thoroughly enjoyed the arts-n-crafts process of cutting, gluing and collaging. I don't make enough time for things like that so that was good for me, too.

Now, to see how 2011 unfolds... 

Touchstone

A few years ago I started incorporating a touchstone word into my annual goals for the new year. In 2008, the word I chose was "focus." I used that year to make sure my focus was on others, rather than myself. By the end of the year, I was working three volunteer jobs and donating items and money to several others. That was the first year in all the years I've worked at this company that I had that amount of time to give and it felt great to spend time not focused on my day job. I'm sure those agencies benefitted from what I gave but not nearly as much as I did from what I received. 

In 2009, I chose the word "realize." That was the year I determined the distance between what I am and what I am to become. I identified the steps I needed to take to realize my dreams and in doing so, realized my worth and potential. That was a pivotal year. 

Last year, my touchstone word was "brave." I had absolutely no idea how often or how desperately I would cling to that word over the last twelve months. When I chose the word, I thought I would need it because I was planning on moving out of the country, building a life with someone and experiencing a multitude of cultural and personal changes. I didn't know I would need that word because my heart and dreams were going to be shattered, or because I was going to find myself on the side of a cliff with only two frightening ways to get down, or because my house and personal belongings were going to be violated by a burglar, and as a result of that, every time I closed my eyes or took a shower, I imagined someone climbing in a window and I ended up shaking with fear. How could I have known? 

I don't know what I would have done without that word to come back to, time and time again. "Debra, you are brave. You can do this. You are brave." I've had to utter that phrase so many times this year, I don't even think about it anymore. It just comes, like a mantra, to my lips. Thankfully.

I've not chosen my word for 2011 yet but knowing how powerful and impactful my words have become, I never make this decision lightly. In fact, I'm not sure I make the decision at all, but rather, the word finds me. It flashes in my mind and I know. I just know. 

If I had my way, the word would be "love." Wouldn't that be amazing, to have a year that unexpected and life-changing love found me? We will see... 

Oh Christmas Tree

I was watching a Christmas special on HGTV the other day and this woman had collected ornaments for her Christmas tree from all over the world during her travels. The designer, who had a specific theme in mind for the woman's house, looked a little dismayed that she wanted to use them on the tree that she had so specifically planned but she allowed it, because after all, the woman was the client. The tree ended up looking beautiful with the designer's color scheme and the woman's ornaments but most importantly, it evoked an emotional response from the family because the tree represented their lives and memories.

When I was a child, our Christmas tree was not magazine photo-spread worthy by any designer's standards but it was beautiful because it held ornaments that my sister and I had made, our parents had given us, some that we had given them and some from friends. It was eclectic and probably a bit messy, since we girls were allowed to help decorate, and we loved it.

My tree this year is pretty. It isn't big, at only five feet tall, and it isn't overly adorned as I had given away all my Christmas things last year before the holidays, but it works nicely in the corner of my small upstairs den. It's sparsely but elegantly decorated. It has no garland, no tinsel, no ribbons or beads, not even a topper. I've inserted branches of pine cones and berries in among the fir boughs so it has a little more depth and added shiny icicles, sparkling starbusts, jingling miniature wreaths and the classic glass balls. Everything on it is red, green and gold and the lights are white. It's perfectly symmetrical, balanced in it's placement of colors and ornaments and yet...

It's missing the memories. There are no "Remember when..." stories to be told every year as each precious ornament is lifted out of it's storage box and unwrapped. There are no moments of reminiscence and silent thoughts of times and people and events past. There is no exclamation of joy as a favorite ornament is rediscovered each year. 

I love this tree. It has stood beside me over the past month, shedding light over my late night writing, offering solace during multiple bouts of loneliness and welcomed me home after a long day. It's time to love my life again and start bringing home memories to cherish, whether they be in ornament, photograph or some other form. I've had this thought for a long time that my life was "some day" and it isn't. My life is today, whether I think I'm where I want to be or not. Whether I'm with someone or not. I owe myself, and the tree, memories that I will want to keep for years to come.

World Kindness Day

I didn't know that today was World Kindness Day when I wrote the post on Thursday but as it turns out, there is an entire movement supporting the idea that individuals performing single acts of kindness can and will change the world. It warms my heart that enough people care about kindness that they have banded together around the globe to bring about change. It saddens my heart that it is needed.

In honor of World Kindness Day today, I hope you do something you might not have otherwise done for someone else. If you don't have the opportunity, start at home, within your own skin. Treat yourself with respect, honor and kindness today. Turn your negative self-talk into positive. See your beauty, not what you consider to be your flaws. Remember you are perfect just as you are.

Happy World Kindness Day!

The art of being

I awoke one bitterly cold morning in January with these words forefront in my mind: I am brave in 2010. I wrote them down so I could stare at the words and let their meaning sink in. The phrase struck me as wonderfully purposeful but at the same time, very unlike me.  Before, I would most likely have written, “I will try to be braver in 2010” or “I will do my best to be brave.” Not so that day. This was to be the year I stopped trying and started doing… no, started being.

It’s amazing what opportunities, large and small, presented themselves once I had the intent to be brave. Some have been amazingly fun, others quite painful, but all have given me the opportunity to stretch and grow and find untapped strength within myself. I wouldn't have changed anything.

Nothing I have accomplished so far may seem like brave things to you. Some of you have always felt at ease exploring the unknown and being vulnerable but these were brave steps toward the person I aspire to be. I want to experience and feel and love more than I ever have before. To do that, I knew I had to broaden my horizons and expand my comfort zone. And I have.

So why was I able to wake up in January and decide to be brave? Because, at the same time, I gave myself permission to fail. I committed to giving myself everything I needed to make these new ventures successful, like working with a life coach, requesting critiques of my fiction writing and opening my heart to new people, but I also promised myself that if something wasn't as enjoyable as I thought it would be, I was free to walk away. That was new for me. I've always been one who either had to see something through to the (often bitter) end and be successful or I just wouldn't even try. 

I have learned that the trying is the success, regardless of the outcome. Nothing is a waste of time if you learn from it, even if all you learn is that you really don’t like it or you don't find value in it. I am going to continue to be brave and accept the opportunities that come my way. It is changing my life in profound and magical ways.

In Flux

I've heard the phrase, "so-and-so is in a state of flux," all my life. Given the context it was always uttered in, I assumed that it meant the person was facing tremendous change or indecision. It rarely seemed like a positive experience but it also always had a temporary feel to it, as if even in the midst of it, the person knew it would end.

When I was trying to think of how to describe what I've been going through lately, that phrase leapt to mind. And being the lover of words and phrases and their meanings, as I am, I decided to look up what its common definition is. 

However, I typed in the search term incorrectly. I typed in "in flux" instead of "in a state of flux." When the meaning wasn't really close to what I had always assumed it was, I looked again at what I had entered and saw the mistake and corrected it.

According to the freedictionary.com, "in a state of flux" means: "a state of uncertainty about what should be done." So, I was right. But it didn't really ring true once I read it. I don't feel uncertain about what to do. And I hope this isn't temporary. So I went back to the meaning for "in flux."

According to dictionary.com, "in flux" means: "the act of flowing in; the place at which one stream flows into another or into the sea."  Yes, that's more like it. I am doing more, experimenting more, and going more than I have in years. I am trying on activities like I try on shoes... randomly and with abandon. I'm keeping those I like, that feel good and discarding the others. I'm not analyzing any of it. If it feels like something I can walk in, I keep it. I'm keeping the things that fit.

I am experiencing in flux. 

Finally.