Clearings

I'm participating in the Spring Mondo Beyondo Dream Lab and the objective is to "clear away the clutter and make space for the life we've always dreamed of. The lab will provide the structure needed to systematically clean out our physical space, calendar, commitments and connections for the sake of more freedom, authenticity and true joy." (I edited that just a bit from the email I received.) 

Even though I don't have much clutter (Hello, have we met?!), I am thoroughly enjoying the exercises. I'm not really learning any new techniques (yet!) but the things I've always done are being validated and that feels good. For instance, one of the recommended daily practices is to make your bed every morning because the state of your bed is the state of your head. I can't remember the last time I didn't make my bed. It was probably back in high school but I seriously doubt it was even that recently. My bedroom has always been a sanctuary for me and even if the rest of my house is messy (relatively speaking), my room is always neat. I just feel better in that environment. 

Our minds usually associate clutter with our physical space but I'm glad this lab is calling out all the other areas in which we need to rid ourselves of unnecessary and outgrown things. We may need to reevaluate some of the beliefs we've always had that may not ring true any longer. We need to take a long hard look at our relationships and excuse ourselves from the ones that no longer feel comfortable. We may even need to look at those things we always say we're going to do 'some day' and never get to. It's time to either do them or forget them... they are taking up valuable head space. 

An older woman friend of mine always told me that by cleaning out the clutter we were making room for better things to come along. This class is reinforcing that wisdom and I'm enjoying it a lot. 

* * * 

The first exercise we were asked to complete was this: Set the timer for five minutes. Let your intuition guide you as you make a quick and dirty list of the things that need clearing out right now.

My list included everything from cleaning up my hard drive to canceling some travel plans to crossing off some major life To-Do items to cleaning out my bookshelves (again!). 

What would be on your list? What is it you need to remove from your physical or emotional space in order to have more energy, time and freedom for the life you deserve? What steps can you take to make that clearing? 

A Day of Firsts

The other night I told someone one of my dreams is to be the recipient of one grand romantic gesture. I'm not one for gifts or flashy displays but having someone genuinely express how much I mean to them would be an amazing thing to experience. In honor of the holiday, I've written about the closest thing I've had to a grand romantic gesture. Interestingly enough, it wasn't with someone I loved. Isn't it funny how things work? 

* * * 

August 28, 2010. 

I woke up in a beautiful hotel room with a Juliet balcony overlooking the city of Chicago. It was my first time in that hotel and the first time in that neighborhood. The traffic noise was not the same as the traffic noise downtown, I noticed. The cars were moving faster; the whooshing sound they made sounded soothing, rather than jarring. It was the first time I felt serene listening to traffic noise. 

It was going to be a day of firsts.

I showered and dressed, took a few photos from the balcony and then walked downstairs to breakfast. The hotel restaurant was full of families and couples and a group of men dressed for golf. The weather was perfect for golf. I sat alone at a table by a picture window that looked out over a terrace and watched pigeons foraging for crumbs amongst the table legs. The server was friendly but I noticed a trace of pity in his eyes that I was eating alone. He came back to my table as often as he could without being annoying. I was grateful for the company.

After finishing the meal, I strode down the hall to the conference room that was going to be my location for the next ten hours. I was the first one there. I didn't mind. The man I was there to listen to spoke to me as he was preparing the room. I was surprisingly at ease, given his reputation and celebrity. He seemed overwhelmed and nervous, two traits he wouldn't show the rest of the day, once he took the stage. I excused myself, both to find a table and to let him have a few moments alone.

I found the perfect seat, one that allowed me to face the stage and see the door. I sat there, sipping iced water and watching as people arrived, all looking just as excited as I felt. I sensed that I wasn't going to be leaving that room the same person. It seemed we all felt that way.

The room filled quickly. With only a few minutes to go before the scheduled start, I saw him walk in. He looked like he had just woken up. His eyes were tired, his hair a mess, but on him, it worked. He also looked nervous and not quite sure he was in the right room. He scanned the room for a seat and as his eyes passed over me, I smiled. For some reason, I felt the need to reassure him, to make him feel more at ease. 

His eyes stopped roaming the room and he focused on me. He smiled back as if he had just spotted an old friend. Seeing an empty seat beside me, he walked over and introduced himself. We exchanged names and he told me that he had hoped to find a friendly person at this event and he knew when I smiled at him that we were meant to spend the day together. 

And we did. We were there to take part in a soul-searching seminar that became personal quickly. In every exercise we were asked to partner with someone and he and I stuck together throughout. We told each other things we hadn't told anyone else before; we told each other things we hadn't even known until they spilled out of our mouths. We held each other up and made the other feel safe enough to go deeper into our emotions than either of us had before. 

I felt strong enough to be completely vulnerable with him. It was the first time I had ever felt like that with anyone. Another first. He told me over and over again that we had met for a reason. I believed him. I wouldn't be having the experience I was having had I been paired up with anyone else in the room. 

Not wanting to let go of what we were building, when it came time to break for lunch, we went off together. We sat at a little table by ourselves, sharing food and life stories and laughter and it was the most intimate time I've ever had with someone with whom I wasn't romantically linked. A first for me. His phone rang, twice. He ignored it, twice. Today is just for you and me, he had said. Everyone else, everything else, will still be there tomorrow. Tears sprang to my eyes and I rushed to blink them away. Feeling important to someone, even for a moment, is very powerful.

At the end of our meal, he borrowed a pen and started writing on a corner of the butcher paper that lined our table. As he wrote, he explained the story behind the words he was putting down. What he wrote were the lyrics to a song that he had written and wanted me to have. With a flourish he signed his name at the bottom, ripped that corner of the paper from the tabletop and handed it to me.

Then he sang the song to me. He didn't care who was around or who was listening. He looked me in the eyes and sang to me as if I were the only person in the room. It took my breath away. 

We spent the rest of the day together and even while listening to the speaker, we passed notes back and forth, wanting more and more information from each other. We wanted to know everything about each other and the day was waning. 

At six o'clock, we said goodbye and I walked to the lobby. My taxi had just arrived to take me to the train station when he came running out of the hotel, wanting to say goodbye one last time. We hugged again and thanked each other for the time we spent together. It didn't feel like enough but it also felt right. We were meant to have only that one perfect day. 

My life changed that day. I learned things from that seminar that still resound in me daily. I hadn't planned on going when I received the invitation but a small voice deep inside told me I had to. When I hesitated, it grew louder and louder still, until out of a desperate need to just quiet it, I registered. Another first.

It was a day of firsts. If the firsts are perfect enough, that's all you need. I left stronger and wiser and for the first time in a long time, full of hope. I had forgotten how hope felt. That day, hope felt like the comforting sound of traffic moving quickly past a Juliet balcony. Or a song being sung just for me. 

What Lies Within

In the past few weeks I've been presented with something of which I've been dreaming. At least it appears to be just what I thought I wanted. For some reason though, I feel overwhelmed, uneasy and not ready for it. I've been struggling because I think I should just be grateful, accept and enjoy it, but I can't. Something doesn't feel right and I can't ignore it.

* * * * * 

I've been working with two coaches on two different areas of my life and they've both come around to the voices that we have within. According to them, we all have an inner critic and we all have inner wisdom. The trick to being successful in obtaining our dreams is knowing which one is guiding us. 

One of them told me that when we are conflicted about making a decision, our inner critic is telling us what to do and that's why we don't feel at peace. We might feel sad or depressed, even to the point of feeling physically weighed down.

If we take direction from our inner wisdom, or what some call our intuition, we are filled with a calmness, a sense of harmony and lightness of being. We feel at peace with the decision and 'just know' we're doing the right thing.

* * * * * 

Yesterday I spoke with a friend and she asked what had been happening in my life since we last spoke. I related the situation above to her, including my inability to decide if this was even what I wanted. She said she was going through something very similar in her life right now. 

A couple of weeks ago she started dating someone and although he's a wonderful guy and someone with whom she has fun, she just isn't comfortable in the relationship. Like me, she feels like she should happy and grateful and accepting of the gift she's been given. I've known this woman a little over a year and she has always expressed her desire to find a man with whom she can share her life, but also like me, something isn't right and she can't ignore it.

* * * * * 

I sat for a good long time last night, being still and listening. I thought about what was making me uncomfortable, what didn't seem quite right and remembering what I thought things would be like when offered what I've been offered. Then I sat and listened to my inner critic rant at me, telling me all the 'logical' reasons for why I should just essentially 'shut up and be happy' about it. She had what she felt were pretty good arguments... Who am I to think I deserve more than what I've been given? Do I know how old I am? How many more opportunities do I think I'm going to get? Why not just go with it and see what happens? For crying out loud, just settle and stop looking. Do I know how many people would be thrilled to have what I have? Who do I think I am? 

* * * * * 

My friend said she had decided she was going to give the relationship some time, try to relax into it and see where it went. She has a strong faith and believes that things will work out as they should. I admire that. I have made that same argument many times before in relationships that even going into them, knew wouldn't work. We are told to try, aren't we?

* * * * * 

I continued to sit and listen long after my inner critic stopped berating me. There were a few minutes where all I heard was the sound of my breathing but still, I waited. Finally, I heard it. My inner wisdom spoke in a calm, quiet voice and told me what I needed to hear. This isn't the right thing for me. If this was real, it would be easier, a natural fit into my life and wouldn't leave me feeling like this. I need to let this opportunity pass for the hope of something better, something that's perfectly right for me. 

Yes, I could try it and see what comes of it. I could try to make it right, but in the end, it is still going to be wrong. I will have spent a lot of time and energy on something that wasn't mine in the first place and more importantly, will undoubtedly leave me tired and leery and distracted when the right situation does show up. 

Because it will. I know that. My dreams aren't elaborate or unattainable. They are definitely within my reach. This just wasn't the manifestation of one of them. 

* * * * * 

My heart feels lighter today, I feel perfectly at ease and I slept better than I have in a year. Peace within can't be denied. 

My Story

I was talking to someone a few weeks ago about the dreams we have for our lives and we were visualizing the future when he turned the conversation around and wanted to know what I believed my story to be. Each of us has a story that we tell ourselves and it has a lot to do with our happiness and ability to successfully achieve our goals.

Examples of the stories we tell ourselves are things like: I'm always late. I can never remember names. I am no good at math. I never fit in. 

So, as he sat there patiently, I took a deep breath and told my story. 

I am no good at socializing in large groups. I'm book smart but have no common sense. I am too quiet and reserved. I'm a klutz. I think too much. I'm not spontaneous enough. I'm no fun. 

He sat there for a minute, took my hand and asked me what the rest of my story was. I wasn't sure what he meant, wasn't that enough? He prompted me with, "You're the one everyone relies on. You're the organized one." Oh, yeah. Funny, I didn't even think about that aspect of my story. I don't tend to remember or believe the positive things about myself but man, those negative things jumped right out.

He asked me how my story was written. Part of it I could remember. Incidents from childhood, school years... but some I couldn't remember. It just always was. He said he would bet that most, if not all, my story was written by other people. One witnessed incident, one thoughtless nickname or joking insult, and the next thing you know, you're carrying the weight of someone else's reality for you. 

Then he told me to forget that story. I could change my story to be whatever I wanted it to be. The important thing to remember was, The Story always comes before The Reality. 

By the end of the day, I had rewritten my story. I'm proud to say I know exactly when and by whom my story was written now. I'm living a new story, in a new reality, and nowhere in it am I a klutz. 

What's your story? 

A Summer, Focused

In September I begin a course on courageous living with a life coach. Included in the welcome pack I received when I registered was an exercise that will be the first assignment of the session. She included it as something we students could think about and work on in the months leading up to class. I, being the type who always does her homework the minute it's assigned, have already taken it out and started mulling it over.

The assignment itself is simplistic in direction but overwhelming in nature. The goal is to decide three to five things I want to see shift as a result of the time the coach and other students will be working with me. The items can be tangible (save X dollars, write a poem, etc.) or intangible (feel more energetic, improve communication with a friend, etc.) 

At least a dozen things spring to mind immediately when I read the assignment so it isn't that I can't think of anything to fill the page, it is that I want to make sure I choose the right ones. Since there can only be three to five items on the list, they should be ones that require help from a supportive community to attain, will lay the foundation for future changes and will have significant impact on my life. It is going to take some time to evaluate everything and determine the best choices.

 * * * 

mollykath's article on her life list inspired me. On my previous blog I had started a list of 100 Things that were goals I wanted to achieve before the end of my life. After reading mollykath's post I read back over mine. It was satisfying to see that I had crossed off an impressive number of them but some of the remaining items already seemed dated and foolish, even in this short amount of time. 

I would like to begin another list, a Life List, on this site and try to find things that will help others, improve the world and bring me joy. There won't be a predetermined number of items but whatever is on the list will have been thoughtfully and carefully considered before adding. I'm excited about setting new goals.

 * * * 

I read this blog post from my BlackBerry while standing in line at the store and before even reaching the mid-point, I was standing in line at the store, with tears rolling down my cheeks. Jenny is someone who is not often serious in her posts but when she is, she is one of the most poignant, straight to the heart writers out there. I thanked her for writing this post and I intend to keep the spirit of the red dress with me. And I am determined to find my own red dress, figuratively or literally. And wear the hell out of it, as Jenny said.

 * * * 

In random conversations with various people about topics not even remotely related, it dawned on me that I need to write my future. I'm the storyteller, right? Maybe I can't picture it perfectly yet and maybe I don't have every facet understood but I know how I want my future to feel. I am not able to close my eyes and see me in it, but I can feel it in my heart. I am going to try to put those emotions on paper and hopefully the words will begin to form shapes and those shapes will begin to form pictures and soon, I will see my future again.

 * * *

These are the things I will be digging into this summer. You may read some of my thoughts here, some you may not. How much I share will depend on what my soul-searching uncovers. I'm excited to get started, a bit nervous about what I may learn and willing to face it bravely, regardless. 

Last One Standing

The reason I started the New Endings website was to capture this part of my life, in which I feel poised to make some significant changes. I have dreams and goals that haunt me day and night and I am desperately trying to determine what steps I need to take next in order to realize them. I have had the tough discussions with myself about what I am willing to do, how much I am willing to sacrifice, to what extent I am willing to go and I feel like I am on the verge of something pretty wonderful.

Except.

I am still at the starting gate. I have magnificent sketches of the future in my mind but no concrete foundations yet on which to build it. Last year, I identified two things I considered to be obstacles to reaching my goals and I have been working diligently on them. I am proud of the work I have done and can honestly say that I do not feel either is a roadblock any longer. Can I still improve? Yes, but nothing feels like it is standing in my way. Progress!

Except. 

I am still here. The way is clear but I have not yet moved forward. I have been frustrated and fretting over this for months. I waffle between 'I'll know when it is the right time' and 'Nothing is ever going to change.' I have been looking at opportunities, pursuing options, knocking on doors but I do not seem to be making the strides I want to be. It is clear that there must be one obstacle left.

So I have done what I probably should have done months ago (but maybe it was not the right time?) and have enrolled in a course with a life coach. The entire course is four eight-week sessions and the first starts in September. I am really looking forward to it. Some of you might think this is silly or misguided and that is your opinion to have. For me, I think this could be exactly what I need. It is not because I need someone else to say my feelings are valid, my goals are attainable, that I am worthy of what I work diligently to obtain because I have a multitude of loved ones who will do that for me. I am more interested in learning how and why I am standing in my own way. 

I am the last obstacle.