The Burden

The little boy sat straight up in his chair, quiet and unflinching. His eyes were staring at a point on the wall but it was clear that his mind was elsewhere... his happy place, his 'anywhere but here' place. 

He couldn't have been more than nine years old, his sister maybe seven. She was restless, dancing in place, leaning on first one parent and then the other, running to the window and back again. She was scolded more than once but it barely phased her. She would halt for a moment and then dance off again as soon as she knew the others were distracted.

Her parents were standing, one on either side of the boy, talking over his head as parents often do. They were arguing in tones that ranged from hushed to embarrassing. I was seated just to the side, not wanting to eavesdrop but having no choice. I was told to sit and wait so I was sitting and waiting. And listening. 

"Have his eyes really changed that much? Can't he get by with the glasses he has?"

"Yes, his vision has changed, the doctor said so. Plus, he's told us he can't see the front of the classroom. He needs new contacts, too."

"No! Not glasses and contacts! One or the other. We can't afford both, we can't even afford one! Not with the new truck and my fishing trip coming up. You know our insurance doesn't cover this."

The mother sighed.

The father glared. 

The daughter danced.

The son stared.

My Vision

I've always been one of "those" people. You know the ones... the people who make lists and set goals and check things off. Making new year's resolutions has always been something I enjoy and, more often than not, I'm successful at meeting the challenges I set. Seeing things in black and white inspires and motivates me and I love tracking my progress throughout the year. 

You would think with having a pretty good track record, I wouldn't change it up but this year I am. I heard such good things from people who make vision boards that I decided to give it a try. Essentially, a vision board is a collage of pictures, quotations, and/or artwork that depicts what you would like to see for yourself in the future. It's a way to visualize the life you want a little more clearly than just what might be rattling around in your mind.

I've seen some people make a vision board that looks more like a letter to Santa, with pictures of houses and cars and boats and jewelry, etc. but that really isn't a vision board. It's broader and deeper than material things, at least in my mind.

To make my board, I sat down with a stack of magazines, a pair of scissors and an open mind. I didn't turn pages looking for anything, I just collected everything that spoke to me in that moment. I cut out pictures, phrases, slogans and sometimes just things in a particular color I liked. By the time I was through, I had quite an assortment of clippings.

The next step was to try to sort them into categories or themes. As it turned out, I had a lot of photos of women running or in yoga poses, beautiful pictures of colorful fruits, vegetables and grains (one of my magazines was a vegetarian food magazine), and one amazing photo of a woman lying in a hammock overlooking the ocean. It was evident that if those healthy and relaxing pictures spoke to me so strongly from the magazines that a healthy lifestyle is something I envision and want to incorporate even more into my life. 

I found two other pretty significant themes and one sub-theme in the photos I collected. Most of it wasn't too shocking, one of them was. Overall though, I think I learned more about myself in just those few hours than I ever would have sitting down to write out resolutions. 

After selecting my favorites from the photos I had, I glued them in a collage on a piece of poster board and hung it up in my den. I've looked at it every day since, sometimes taking it all in, sometimes focusing on a single area. Just to make sure I don't forget about it, I took a photo of the vision board and am using that as the wallpaper on my cell phone, too. It's there in front of me each of the 348 times a day I check my email, texts or Twitter. 

Whether I'm as successful in achieving my vision as I was with achieving my goals is yet to be seen. I learned a lot about me from the exercise of creating it so that was amazing and I have to admit, I thoroughly enjoyed the arts-n-crafts process of cutting, gluing and collaging. I don't make enough time for things like that so that was good for me, too.

Now, to see how 2011 unfolds... 

Living In Mudville

I am not enjoying life. 

That was a hard sentence to write and an even harder thing to realize but it is true. My days are chaotic, stressful and unrewarding, full of conflict and anger. My nights are solitary, emotional and restless. My weekends are a blur of sleep-deprived furious energy moving towards targets: writing x number of words, exercising x number of minutes, cleaning out x number of items… all which are supposed to bring me a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment but only just leave me exhausted.

I need joy.

It was not that long ago that the majority of my days were happy ones. Dark moments would pass through but overall, I was a joyful person. I can no longer say that. I feel like every day is something to endure, to get through, not something to rejoice in and celebrate. This is not the way I want to live. 

I sat down the other day and wrote about what an enjoyable day for me would be like. I was not interested in a ‘shucking it all and lying on a beach’ kind of day, I wanted to figure out what it would take to change the days I am living now into days that I want to be living: a new normal day. What I came up with was not too shocking. I found I need more fulfillment and purpose in my career, and I want to easily find time for the other things that matter, writing, running, spending time with the people I love. The isolation I feel at work and being alone outside work is wearing on me even more than I knew. I wake with an overwhelming sense of dread every day.

Before anyone fears for my mental health or well-being, I am looking at this realization as a positive thing. I have not been in this state of mind for long so I have every hope that I can turn it around in short order. Facing an issue is the first step in conquering it, and I fully intend to conquer this one.  

This is going to be my summer of joy. I am going to identify and work toward adding more light and relaxation and reenergizing activities and spending more time doing the things that matter, with the people that matter. It is obvious to me that things need to change. This is just my declaration that they will. 

Glimpses Through the Window

I was sitting at my desk, staring out into the sunlit backyard, when I had a vision of another life. It was as though it was playing on a hidden screen hanging from the trees and I was watching it like I would a film. I could see me, with time enough in my day for writing, running, friends and love. I saw myself pursuing a career that brought me great fulfillment and a sense of purpose. I was smiling as if my heart contained nothing but joy.

I closed my eyes for only a moment and the vision disappeared. 

Part of me ached to run into the backyard and find the vision, jump into the screen and be transported to that life. Part of me, the part that closed my eyes and caused it to disappear, hung back, afraid to get too close.

What is it about us that causes us to cling to that which is familiar even if we can see that by letting go, trying something new, pursuing our dreams, we may be so much happier? 

Why did I close my eyes?